Christmas love...

It was the afternoon of December 25...
The day was fairly sunny...
A perfect day for outdoor activities...
But two people spent the day indoors...

They wasted the precious time that could have been spent with relatives or family...
But for the two of them, it was the best day of their December...

Their day started with a full load of movies...
A whole day spent watching movies that they have already seen a thousand times...
But it didn't matter because spending a day with just the two of them is already something God-given...

Majority of the movies we're all about romance...
The boy was starting to be bored to death...
When the boy looked at the girl, she was crying...
The girl always cried in every sad moment of the movies and of course in every happy endings...
The boy asked the girl "why are you crying?"
The girl answered "It's nothing..." followed by a quick smile...

Halfway with the stack of movies...
The boy started to fell asleep...
Suddenly... he was woken by something falling on his shoulders...
He opened his eyes and saw her lying on his shoulders...
Then something touched his hand...
It was the girl's hand over his hand...
The girl was still watching the crappy movies...
She was so hooked at the movie that she didn't realize that her head was already lying on the boy's shoulders...
The boy didn't move a muscle...
He was savoring the moment with her...
Although they had no relationships except for being friends...
They looked so much more more than friends...

Finally...
The girl realized what was she doing...
She quickly apologized to the boy...
The boy said that it was okay... but the boy wanted the moment to last longer...
They both exchanged with smiles...

The day was coming to a halt...
It was starting to get darker outside...
The boy felt that he needed to say what he really felt...
He felt that if he never says this... He would not have another chance...
He didn't want to lose this girl...
He was willing to do everything just not to lose her...
It was the last movie of the day...
It was now or never..
A few minutes more and the movie would end...
And what was supposed to be the best day would end as well...

A few more minutes before the credits and he said it...
He said "Uhmmm...."....
The girl looked at him with curiosity and asked him what was the matter...
He said
"We've been friends for some time now...
We've been through a lot now..
Maybe it's the romantic movies that makes me say this but I really L~~....."

The girl interrupted just before the boy was going to say the words...
The girl smiled and quickly held the boy's hand and said
"I know... I love you too..."

The both just stared at each other...
The movie was already on its credits...
Even though the two are silent with their stares... A thousand words we're already spoken...

The boy then got out of what seemed like a trance...
He said "I thought you we're going to interrupt with a joke..."
The girl laughed at him and said "I got the feeling you we're going to say it so I just said what I felt first..."

The clock was on 8:30....
He said that it was late...
specially in a place like the province where there we're limited lights outside...
The girl asked him "Your going to take me home??"
The boy quickly replied with a yes...

They walked outside...
What was surprising is that it wasn't dark outside at all...
The stars illuminated the sky...
Just for the two of them...
The both of them held hands...
Under the starry sky they walked...

They finally reached the girl's house...
She said "Thanks for the day... I really enjoyed it"
The boy said "Your not the only one who enjoyed it even though I fell asleep"
The girl laughed...
At the gate of the girl's house...
She hugged him and gave him a quick kiss and said "I love you... goodnight..."
The boy said "I love you too..." followed by another stare under the starry night...

The best December of their lives...

If I could....

This post was supposed to be about my desktop...
Unfortunately someone turned the radio on and the tunes playing we're so sentimental...
I meant really old tracks...

From the title...
Well the idea just popped out of my mind...
A quick flash in my head...

If I could...
I said this line a thousand times...
If I could get a dollar every time I said this then I would be really loaded by now...

If I could just change something...
If I could have done something to help that person...
If I could have just studied last night...
If I could change the wrong actions I made...
If I could just disappear with the air...
If I could bring back those precious moments we had...

I'm getting sick of saying this line...
If I could... oh shut the hell up...
Judging from all those If's....
I'm guessing that I really regret a lot of what I have done...
It's not like I could avoid some of my mistakes...
Some just happened instantly....
They happened when I wasn't expecting them...
They we're inevitable...

But I thank some of my mistakes...
For example... If I didn't make the mistake of choosing of the wrong P.E. course....
then I could have not met her...
that was just one of them...

If I could just end this post with something cool...

I know...

I'll be greeting some of the people I know

Merry Christmas to....

ALL OF YOU...

If I could just list you all T_T

Why?

Why did you change your layout?

Why did you restart your cbox?

Are you planning on stopping this blog?

Why did I start this blog?
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So I'll answer this 4 questions because I'm just so bored...

Firstly, I changed my blog's layout because I felt that the previous one was getting boring...
I was starting to get bored of the same style over and over again...
I'm pretty sure that I will change the layout again once I find some good pics...
So basically this was a product of boredom...

Second, Well I restarted the chat box because there was an unknown spammer leaving worthless messages...
That person was all talk and no show... literally
He's got nothing to prove yet he has the nerve to piss others...
If that person doesn't like my blog then fine... but if he or she keeps spamming then that person should be able to prove his or her words...
or else I'll dedicate the very worst post I could make just for you...
Though I have a feeling that person doesn't read my blog anyway...
All he or she does is spam at the cbox... I know, that person's an idiot. ^^

Third, are you crazy?
I'm not stopping this blog...
never... maybe I'll stop posting if I get busy with schoolwork but that doesn't mean I'm stopping this blog...
If I could... I'll print all my posts and keep it safe somewhere...
But for now... I'll keep it here for all you readers to see and appreciate or criticize...
By the way... For those people who told me personally and pm'ed me at ym...
that my blog was awesome and that it was good.... Thank you very much... I appreciate it ^^

Lastly... Well this will be a long reason but I'll try to keep it very short...
The reason why I made this blog is you...
yes you...
all of you readers...
all of you who gave me an idea on what to write...
all of you who said something to me that kept stuck in my mind...
every one of you people ^^

Just a little more time and it's Christmas...
I'm waiting...
to tell you the truth...
even at this age...
I still believe in Santa...
that's all ^^

The caged boy....

Years ago there lived a little boy named "Mac-mac"
Mac-mac was not different from the other kids...
In fact, he was just like the others...
Mac-mac spent his days by taking his bike around the town...
Then he would meet his friends...
His daily activities we're always like that...
He was always happy...
He never seemed to run out of joy...
He enjoyed his well deserved freedom...
But things like this never last...
One day... Everything disappeared like a flash...

Mac-mac's bike just started to deteriorate...
At first, he was okay with it so he spend the afternoons with a walk...
But calamity just started...
His friends started to disappear...
He can no longer see his cheerful playmates...
The sidewalks we're silent...
So was his heart...

To compensate the missing of his friends...
Mac-mac just played with his toys...
Mac-mac really loved cars...
His toys we're full of cars...
Toy cars filled the room...
Mac-mac was in his own artificial paradise...
But they took his own paradise too...

His own paradise was taken from him...
His toy cars we're taken from his own hands...
They never even bothered to look at the boy...
Mac-mac was crying his heart out...
Not only was the deterioration of his bike, the sudden disappearance of his friends we're enough...
They had to take his own paradise also...
They never looked on the boy's tears...
they we're heartless no doubt...
Poor boy... his happiness was taken from him... his joy...
Everything he cherished...

Then all of a sudden...
He was locked in a cage...
A four sided prison...
No way out...
There we're no window also...
He spent the remainder of his days with just a single light bulb above his head....
Then he was forced to read...
He was forced to read incomprehensible books...
He never even understood half of what was he reading...

Poor old boy...
His happiness was forcibly torn apart from him...
His friends... his paradise... they took it all...
He was forced to live in a cage without anything....
No love... No care... No one even bothered to ask him if he was alright...
They only gave him books and food...
He was only given the things he needed to live biologically...
But inside, he was broken...
Not broken but shattered...
A boy at such a young age is tormented without mercy...
That boy was kept in that cage for the remainder of his life...

Until now...

Worthless Planning....

Why plan ahead if every thing gets ruined at the final minute?
You worked so hard to make a schedule yet at the end, it all gets ruined by some external force...

I'm saying this crap because this always happened to me...

In those ordinary days...
When I plan something, it is always delayed by 2 to 3 hours...
No matter how much I try to resist being late...
I always end up doing any tasks at the final minute...
Some, I even tend to forget...

Now that the holidays are just around the corner...
I'm planning something big...
I'm planning to take my friend and some other people if they're willing to go on a date...
Yep, a date...
So far, it's just the two of us...

Now the problem is that everything I planned weeks ago was ruined in just mere hours...
Firstly, this week was loaded... Yes, Loaded...
Loaded of quizzes, assignments, and other crap...
The sad fact is that this week is the "Paskuhan" for UST students yet we get crushed by school work...
Second, well there is no second... I guess I'm mentally blocked at the moment...

A tip I learned from my friends... "Never plan ahead"
Now I realize that what they said was correct...

I realized also that having no schedule does have its bright sides...
Specially when it comes to dates or group outings...
Something interesting always happen in between your precious plans...
Though you get pissed off... in the end, you say that it was the best day of your life...
So why plan ahead?
Why not try the joy that will happen instantly and unexpectedly...

So now, I'm ripping my hard worked plans apart...
I'm going with the flow...
I'll let God decide what happens next...

Now a tiny spark in my mind that needs to come out...
"Love or Hurt doesn't matter anymore at the moment for love has taken it's toll...
The love in my heart buried those painful memoirs six feet under...
It's too much to be in truth...
It's something I never experienced...
It's something I never dared to experience before...
Because too much emotions such as this can kill...
Yes, it can seriously kill...
Not just emotionally but physically...
I'm afraid that one day, I'll be left at broken pieces once more...
A part in my life where it mysteriously repeats over and over again...
But what do I know?
I'm just a human...
Imperfect...
I can't predict what will happen next...
Either be loved or be hurt...
I'm just gonna go with the flow of life...."

~Bored~

My Idea...

Just a quick thought before I fall to slumber...
An idea that sprung to my mind like a flash...
Just a mere product of the creative mind or a product of extreme boredom...

Here goes...

Knowledge...
It refers to almost everything...
To do something, you need this...
You can't just build a rocket without knowing anything about it...
You can't achieve anything without knowledge...

So to have knowledge...
the key is to learn...
To learn how the procedure goes...
To learn how to build something...
To learn on how to succeed...

But you can't learn everything from studying...
Yes, studying...
The number 1 factor of all students...
Heck, everybody needs to study...

You can't learn everything just by cramming all the books in the world...
even if you have all the world's books dated even if it was dated from the beginning of time...
You just can't learn all from it...
same goes to school...
there are things that you just can't learn from it...

Do you learn to walk at school?
Do you learn how to breathe at school?
Do you learn how to eat at school?
dinner table manners, a yes definitely but how to eat? I don't think so...

And of course...
You can't learn on how to love at school...

Some of the things....
You just learn from other people...
a knowledge passed down from person to person with no definite end...

Because you learn other things from first hand experience...
You really can't be an island...
A cat in a pack of wolves....
You can't be a loner...

The first time you experience disappointment...
It hurts, definitely...
that's when the people called friends came along...
they helped you get over quickly on that dark piece of memory...
Congratulations... You now learned friendship...

Some books try to depict on how life is...
saying on how to act like this or that...
but it's only the writers perspective...
there are just things that you have to learn by experiencing it...

for example...
there's a book I saw the other day on how to be a "Romeo"...
Yeah I know, the book sucks like hell...
After trying to read some of the pages...
I wanted to burn the book....
The book said that to be a lover...
you need to impress someone...
try to do something different...
change yourself...

what a load of crap!

Change yourself?!
oh please... The one you love should be able to accept you no matter what you are...
A goody two shoes, a gangster, or maybe a nerd...
whatever you are... your supposed to be accepted on what you are and not try to change yourself so badly that you begin to forget who you really are...
Trust me, I came from this road...
I tried to change myself that made her unsure on who was the real me...

Do something different?!
another load of crap...
There are multiple ways to captivate the heart...
it depends on the person you're attracted to...
you'll be surprised that you have already captivated her just from your own kindness...
I'm not saying that trying to do something different is wrong...
it's just... it really doesn't apply to all...

The thing that made me got me angry was the saying "very effective"...
The writer must be on drugs or something...

I'm sorry if I put too much on the crappy book....

back to topic:

Well knowledge is the key to everything...
its what lead minds to greatness...
its the key to human improvement...
to vaccinate deadly viruses....
to make the impossible probable...

To gain knowledge is to learn first...
but you can't learn all from one source....
the world is huge...
knowledge is everywhere...
ideas are on every corner...
Try to learn something new from other people...
you'll be surprised on how much you'll gain...

Yep....
I'm falling to my slumber...
A good night to all....

Here we go again...

The never ending loops of life...
It's killing no doubt...

I'm always lured like a fish...
and when I get caught...
they try to catch me yet I escape but with scars that remain for life...
It hurts... the scars I mean...

No matter how much I avoid it...
I'll always be the target...
They'll do their best to catch me like I have the biggest bounty on my head...
But they fail...

Love and Hurt...
the two words that remain inscribed in my mind...
and of course, it's tattooed in my heart...

when I try to love...
In the end, I'm hurt...
it never stops...
it keeps repeating over and over again...
so much that I'm beginning to feel nothing...
I'm close to the state of being numb...
Just a little more and its over...

I gotta love carefully now...
better yet... try to resist love for now...
but I just can't...
it's a strong temptation...
a magnet to be more precised...

Just the other day I was lured to another pitfall...
I'm trapped again...
No choice but to go with the flow...
Maybe this will be finally different...
or maybe its just like the other...
only in a different disguise...

No matter...
Whatever happens, I know someone will be at my back...
No choice but to love once more...
and be prepared for the dire consequences or not...

Functionality....

What is the reason I try to grasp on to reality?
What are the reasons for me still breathing?
Why is it that even though the world crushes me, I still move without knowing the reason why...
I tried to find the reasons... I ended up with a puzzle that is indefinite in size...

This is just one of those posts where I try to release the grips of insanity from my cerebral cortex...
I'm so mad this day...
Yet I feel a strong sense of reason that out there, someone's cheering for me in the shadows...
Whenever I try to find my functionality...
I end up gazed in a puzzle...
But when I try to ignore the reasons, My mind is locked on to success...

So this afternoon I was caught by the dean using my PSP...
I was so pissed at myself for my guard was always on high alert...
But when I removed my guard for just a second, Life assassinated me faster than I could realize it...
My PSP sure attracts trouble...
Back at the 1st semester, my friend who was using my PSP was caught by one of the guards in the faculty of Engineering...
Now, I got caught but not by a guard but by the freaking dean...

As always...
My ID was confiscated and I needed to talk to the assistant dean who was way much scarier and much more smarter...
So when I got to the dean's office...
My first ever interrogation started...

At first the assistant dean was calm... he was smooth...
But as his questions added... trying to contradict him was merely impossible...
My words we're easily drained...
I ran out of reasons so easily...
Damn...
In the end he made me sign a form then he returned my ID at last... *YEY!*

After exiting the dean's office...
I tried to be so angry but I just can't...
My heart was calm...
I was surprised for usually my heart would turn ablaze in these situations...
But this time, it was different...
It was calm as if nothing happened at all...

After exiting the building...
I saw Flynn, Joselle, and Dani...
The first and third we're my PE mates...
The second one was my classmate back in 1st semester...
They we're hanging outside the building because they we're going to have a practice for their PE activity...
Of course they we're 3 people short for they were originally 6 people...
They tried to practice even though they were 3 people less...
I accompanied them of course because I really wanted to burn some time...
and to forget about my previous mishap...

They practiced until 3pm and then we said our goodbyes...

On the way home, my body was tired like hell...
I kept falling asleep during the ride home...
And no matter what I do, I was still sleepy...

Now, I'm currently finishing my post and then off to finishing my report in my Rizal Course and then to study for my advance algebra test tomorrow and to sleep of course...

I can finally go on with my life even though her memories sting me like crazy...
They are merely memories and nothing else...
Even though I see her daily... It doesn't hurt anymore...
I can finally say I have recovered though I don't know the reason why...
I don't know why but from all this hurt I felt, I still recovered...

Questions fill the mind of a confused being...

Jump to a halt...

Just this week my mind was on overtime...
My ideas never seem to stop...
What about this? What about that? What if?
Full of ideas to those questions...
But now my mind goes to a stop...
I'm facing a traffic light post and it's on a red...
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Guess my mind needs a break...
Non stop math subjects, daily irritations...
Questions on how to continue breathing...
Questions on how can I forget her, permanently...
My mind wanders on those ideas...
So far the answer to the last question revolves on the idea of brainwash...
That's not even a good idea isn't it?

So I watched the movie Twilight last night...
I don't want to offend the other watchers but I hated the movie...
Even if the time line of the movie needs to be fast forwarded...
Some of the different chapters of the book version we're mixed...
For example, A character that was suppose to show up halfway in the book suddenly showed up in the beginning of the movie...
I would like to critique more of the movie but I'll stop for you guys might want to kill me...

In some of the parts of the movie...
I wanted to leave for some of the background songs remind me of her...
Yes, its her again...
She's like a tattoo...
She's there in my mind for life...
Always will be there to give that unforgettable moment...
Well, in tattoos maybe you could remove that part of skin but I guess that's stupid to the extreme...
And of course, you can't just erase a part of your mind...

Tomorrow, My mind works in overtime once more...
Having to endure tremendous pain in the form of numbers...
Having to suffer her image for five days...
My bravado is challenged once more...
After this week, My mind stops again...
Time for another R&R...of course it's five days ahead...

The time tonight is 12:03...
It's officially December 1...
A few more weeks and its Christmas...
I guess I have to save up for gifts...
and for the class outing that I don't know if it will still go on...

My 2nd semester is full of Love and Hurt...
I fell in love for countless time...
Yet my heart breaks in the end...
Then someone I didn't expect comes to me and fixes my heart...
It's a repetitive process...
It's a cycle to be much shorter...
Once another fixes my heart... It gets broken by the person who fixed it...
I want to stop this cycle...
My heart is not like a car engine wherein you could fix it for countless times...
I have a limit...
Even car engines have a limit too...
There's a point that you can't fix it no matter how much work you put into it...
Its the point where everything stops...
Forget about falling in love again for you just lost all chances...
Reminisce all those moments for you won't ever get hurt again...
No more happiness... No love inside... Your broken and empty inside... A cruel end...

Now... I sleep...

The butterfly has fallen...

Finally, I played DoTA once more after 3 weeks of emptiness...
I have satisfied some of my hunger for death and violence...
My crave for killing everyone is satisfied... I just went 16-8 with Zeus...
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Back to topic:

So I was going home from school earlier and the traffic was Annoying because there is a Novena in Quiapo church every friday...
When I finally got down the jeepney in front of the Post Office...
The line for the FXs was very long because today was friday...
So I did the usual thing when the line was long...
Ride an FX beside the post office where there are no lines at all...

While waiting, I saw some of my former schoolmates...
We just exchanged handshakes and went along...
Then I saw this couple who was in a fight in my opinion...
The guy kept grabbing the girl's arm though she just wouldn't look at him...
Guess they must be in a serious fight...
So when I saw the FX, I quickly rode and looked at the fighting couple...
They kept arguing about something though I can't hear a word of it because I'm inside a vehicle...
Finally, the girl let go of the guy's grip on her arm and quickly rode the FX...
I looked at the guy's face...
His face was red like he was in rage...
He just stared at the girl...
When the FX moved, I saw the guy wipe his face... He was crying...
I guess that was the end of their relationship...
The girl on the other hand was silent... I couldn't even see a single teardrop...

Between the trip home, nothing happened...
All I could hear was the roaring sound of the engine...
When I got home, I took a bath and when I turned on the lights...
I saw a dead butterfly on the floor...
Seven days ago, there was a cocoon just beside the bathroom window...
Back then, I thought one day this will become a beautiful butterfly and fly into the sky yonder...
But now, I only saw death...
Wasted dreams...
The butterfly has already fallen before it could even stand a chance...
Poor creature... Such a sad ending...

My day today was full of sad endings...
Actually, not this day but this week was full of sad endings...
I lost a chance at someone...
I failed some challenges...
I met the sad face of reality once more...

But...
Every sad ending has another new story to continue...
And that story will change everyone's life once more...
New characters in life to either build you more or destroy you more than ever...
New challenges that will teach you or kill you...
Some of the old characters go into the new...
Where the good can become your worst enemy...
And where your previous enemy can become your closest ally...
A roller coaster of events I have to say...
Unfortunate or not, It's another reason to continue with every breath...

It's just like a book...
Once you've gone addicted to it...
You can't stop yourself from reading the next chapter or next page once you've stopped reading...
In comparison to life, Once something good happens...
You want to know what happens next...
If this will hit you sky rocketing to the sky or pull you like a piano from the heavens...

My life is a roller coaster that has never ending loops...

Nothing...

There's nothing in this void...
Only silence, only darkness...
There's nothing to be happy about...
Nothing... No reason to continue...
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I miss her... I miss both of them...
The first one was a pain in the back...
But now, I seem to see the real pain in her heart...
She can hide it with the people around her...
But when she's alone, I can see that expression...
That expression of missing someone...
I'm sure that I'm not the one missing...
But whoever it is... I feel as if its my fault...
My heart wants to apologize... so far my mind is in control so I can keep myself from making a fool of myself...
I don't know... maybe I should but I guess she'll just ignore me...
I should plan this out carefully... taking every disturbance in account...

Now the second one... I don't know... I had lunch with her earlier...
My heart wasn't in the mood to open up for her for now...
I guess it was because I said what I felt about her that I can't look at her with the same stare as before...
I miss her too no doubt...
But I'm not in the mood to talk about her for now... I'm still in a bit of depression...

I miss both of them...
I miss talking to them...
talking as if we were the only humans alive...
as if time stopped for that moment...
that moment where I'm starting to know them more and more...
Those moments headed to a complete stop...
The train had an accident and in need of serious maintenance...
Forgetting them was impossible...
Trying to get the trust of the first one is close to impossible...
Maybe there's something that we could work out...
Then again... what's the pointing in trying to gain what you lost...
You know it's hard to regain it... Still you try your best to do something...

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Friends are really forever... If not, then they'll haunt you forever with the memories...
My life is oh so full of complications...
I need a rest....

Surroundings...

Well everyday is the same routine...
I wake up, eat, take a bath, wear clothes, go to school...
And that's it...
Even if going back, everything's the same except maybe the weather...
Did nothing really change or am I just not paying attention?

I said these lines to myself over and over again...
almost like a song that you keep singing every single day...
So I did something different for a change...
I started to pay attention to what's around me...

Firstly,
In waking up, nothings really different except maybe for the breakfast around me...
While eating, its the same scenario...
The TV is on while on abs-cbn though nobody pays attention to it...
While eating I finally found out something...
There's no flavor in my food! I only feel if its hot or cold but taste? I taste nothing...
I've been waking up to the same routine for years yet I only found out about this just now...
Maybe next time I'll change the order of what I do when I wake up so I can finally taste what I eat...

Now that I'm wearing my uniform, time to leave...
Now riding a tricycle every day was a pain because the number of vehicles passing by our street was very limited during the morning...
Once I find a ride, I take the opportunity...
In going out of my house up to the main road takes 2 tricycles...
the first one is a pain but the second one will be easier since I'll be riding from the station meaning there will be a lot of tricycles there...
What was surprising this day was that I saw a little child about 6-7 years old with a big bag on his back...
The child was barely old to cross the streets yet I saw him walking to the station with that big backpack...
Fortunately, the driver was kind enough to treat him with more care since he was just a child...
Now I said to myself, these children are so young yet their parents already leave them to roam around freely in the streets... I felt pity for the child...

Now that I'm at the main road...
Finding an FX was a breeze since there was also a station very nearby...
In riding an FX, Some of the faces we're familiar since I see them everyday...
But of course there are still new faces to be seen...
One of the things that made me wonder was this student that rode the FX also...
Back at the first semester, before I went to school, I always hanged at the 7-11 nearby...
Inside, I would always see this guy who was also a student of UST standing while paying all his attention to his phone...
He would always wait for this girl who was also a student of UST... talk about small world eh?
I would always be beside them at the FX... although they don't really talk much, they just stare at each other like there having a conversation telepathically...
Now, this was different... The guy was nowhere in sight...
The girl on the other hand was just there staring at all directions...
Because I was facing her, I managed to get a good look at her from time to time...
She had a sad expression on her face but she tried to cover it with a tiny smile...
Maybe she could fool the others but I know that she's depressed...

Ok... now at the city hall, which means I'm only one more jeepney ride away to school...
This place is the usual place to see some of my highschool friends...
I saw some of their faces so we just greeted ourselves with a wave...
Now looking at the fellow students/commuters...
I saw a roller coaster of emotions...
Some where smiling to the point you'll get irriated...
Some where depressed as if they just lost someone...
I saw the seven dwarves with those people...

Finally, School...
Nothing new... except for the faces that will be impossible to remember...
There was always this feeling I felt only at school... Confidence...
Now classes are boring no doubt...
Same teachers... Different topics yet the same lesson...
Nothing new happens except for quizzes and assignments...
The clock hits 12 in the afternoon... I'ts dismissal...

In going home, my mind seems to wander off...
I start to ignore everyone around me...
My body goes on auto-pilot...
I don't realize anymore whats happening except for the fact that I'm going home...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

"We laughed until we had to cry. We loved right down to our last goodbye..."

Dismissal...

It's over...
No reason to stay and wait...
No more reason for anything...
I cant reach her before... now, she's starting to stray from me...

I'm an idiot...
I'm the world's number one moron...
I deserve a trophy...
A trophy of rejection...

When she was in a spider's web...
My mindless heart took over me...
I said the words... the words that was never supposed to be spoken...
But it was inevitable, I had to say it one time or another...

I was rushing things too much...
I never thought what she was in...
I just said it without any regret...
Now what do I get? Rejection of course...

First was confusion, now depression...
If I could just backtrack....
So I could stop myself...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's pretty much what happened...

November 23, 2008... 3:29 in the afternoon...
I said the words that was hiding in my mind...
The words that was supposed to be kept in locks until the time was right...
I rushed too much...

3:31...
She asked me what do I meant by I like her a lot...
I said I like her as more of a friend...
I apologized for saying it at the wrong moment...

3:32 until 3:45...
We talked for a short while on when did I first start to like her...
I felt like a moron in between those minutes...
I was feeling that she was going to turn back...
so I prepared for the worse...

3:45...
She asked me on why can she attract some people that are not close to her...
I answered that she can dazzle people...
Then the painful line came...
She said she can't dazzle all people and she thanked me...
finally... she apologized if she can't give herself...
we both know what situation was she in... problems with some of her friends because of some person who tried to challenge all of her friends... I'm not going to say the reasons anymore...

3:51...
She had to go...
She said thanks for all of what I did...
She left... my world fell apart once again...
But not as worse as before...
----------------------------------------------------------------

I thought so...
This really did end with a plane crash...
Good thing I didn't expect anything from her in return or else... I could have been dead by now...
Yes, I'm hurt once again inside...
Love isn't really on my side...
I must be a black sheep on this...
I'm a magnet for disappointment...
I attract sadness and retract happiness...
My world is full of downs...

I guess this will take some time before I get over this...
Pain strikes my heart once again...

Confusion at its best.

I don't know what to do anymore...
Whatever perspective I may think of...
It all ends at the same ending... Disappointment...
Everything's crushing me to a pulp again...

Rather than being the friend you couldn't resist...
I feel as if I'm a stalker...
What would you think if someone would wait for you at school everyday?
I think I made a big mistake...

Though she's not complaining about it...
I know deep inside that she's starting to get irritated...
I don't want to get her the wrong idea...
Maybe I shouldn't have acted so differently...
She saw in me someone different...
Someone who would sacrifice everything for her...
Someone who is not the real Ram...

I changed, no questions asked...
I feel as if I don't even know myself either...
The person who was always a happy go lucky guy turned into a whole new person...

I'll fix this all...
I'm backtracking to the old self...
Someone who was always a friend...
Someone who was not a stalker...
Someone who showed his real colors rather than showing off something that in truth that he isn't...
Someone who would love a person without any changes in his own self...
The real Ram... The person who she met last semester...
The person that always brought "bread stix" for everyone...

I never should have changed if I would know it would come to this...
I'm bringing my old self but with a little taste of the new...
I want to change but not something that will turn me into someone else...

*Meditating...*

Epiphany....

Time for a change...
Don't expect that the world will change for you...
We think they don't understand us yet the truth is that they really do but we just ignore them and continue walking a path of loneliness...
Enough Sulking... Enough worthless quotes on my notebook... Enough pain... My heart started to beat once more and this time, it wont stop until the end of my fading days...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just had a reality check courtesy of Y.F.C. or Youth For Christ...
I know I don't bother attending these somewhat worthless events...
But I just happened to know that my friend was there so I tried to attend those worship events even though I'm not a member...
When I went inside this room that had a sign outside saying "Chapel"...
The environment was like all Y.F.C.s, non-stop singing and... more non-stop singing...

I saw my friend sitting in the middle row of the room... Luckily there was a seat close to her so I grabbed the opportunity of having a seat...
My other friend which was my classmate back at 1st semester was also there...
I said my greetings to them... Unfortunately she was 2 sits apart me so I couldn't really talk to her at the moment...
Then, more of my previous classmates entered the room... the event started...

At first there was a speaker who was saying how blessed he is for being given money by his brother and father because he was really short on cash and then being payed for by his friend in one of his jeepney rides...
He said how much blessed he is for being helped at the right time of his life...
After speaking, everyone sang like there was no tomorrow...
I never really tried to sing even when with a crowd but this time... I sang because my seat was very close to the middle of the room...

At first, I looked at the people around me... First idea I had was that everyone was like in those "Iglesia ni Kristo" tv programs... Raising their hands while singing out loud...
The speaker was also singing out loud while his eyes closed and his face was pointed at the ceiling...

The singing and the speech didn't really affect me in any way but what got my attention was the song...
I like the lyrics... more than like I could say...
The lyrics of those different songs in that 1/2 lengthwise paper really motivated me...

The song was telling me to change...
No need to sulk...
Why bother crying? It's like crying over spilled milk...
I spent to much time dwelling over the worthless past...
I have to look on the present and on what's ahead of my malleable future...
There's no such thing as being lonely... He's always there for all of us...
No matter how much stupidity we commit, no matter how much we ignore him... He's always ready to give a hand...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So the program ended...
I walked my friend home...
I don't know why but I always feel happy when I'm with her...
I feel time goes to a stand still when I'm spending time with her...
I told her that it was late... she asked why did I stayed...
I told her that I liked staying with her... She asked if it was because she was talkative...
I simply said that there are a lot of reasons why... so much that it is unexplainable...
Was it even romantic to say that? I don't know... *laughing*

After walking her at the overpass, I went home...
Nothing new happened while in traffic except for the usual traffic jams...
I arrived home at 7:45 and with a smile on my face... something that I didn't come home with before...

Goodnight...

Normality...

Well as always...
Everything's back to its rightful place...
No more need for reflections...
The past is past...
A flashback is no more than just memories...

Just spent another day with her...
All the weights of my stress can be easily lifted when I'm with her...
The grips of insanity is no more...
Once again, she saved my life once more...

Why is it that my schoolwork this semester is so light?
I mean having 4 math courses should be enough to make me beg for mercy...
Yet, it feels like I have more time than before...
Last semester, school was tragic... Daily quizzes, assignments, recitations... And of course, the cursed Engineering Drawing which was the usual reason of staying up very late...

Is it because I'm already accustomed to heavy work that I think it's light...
Or is it because the faculty gave pity to us and gave us a load off...

I'm no longer haunted by the grips of my insanity...
I can finally breathe... I'm free...
Flashbacks? Just feels like watching re-runs...
Happiness... an emotion I rarely feel is now at my side...

It's ironic really... I seem to find peace and tranquility at the last place I expected to be...
I was wrong... The people I ignored in the past, their the ones who I give importance now...
A thousand thanks to them and a million laughs to those worthless flashbacks...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now I'm thinking if I should attend our outing at December...
On that day, everyone seems to be out of the house....
My brother-in-law and my nephew are going abroad for Christmas vacation...
And if I leave the house, mom will be all alone here...
first time I even gave crap about these thoughts...
Usually I just did what I want but now... well everything is different now I suppose...
Heck, maybe she'll understand ^_^
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's some random quotes playing in my mind right now.....

" Sometimes when you look back on a situation, you realize it wasn't all you thought it was. A beautiful girl walked into your life. You fell in love. Or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe just a brief moment of vanity."

"In the world, your nobody. But to someone, your the world."

" Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."

"I want to eat pizza while watching a cat eat a cookie."

"Something is better than nothing."

Goodnight....

Hallucinations..

It's back...
My tormenting flashbacks are back...
And it came back with some back up...

This weekend was like every weekends..
Boring and very short...
Though it didn't bother me before because I was usually busy with school work...
But this time it was different...

This afternoon was very quiet and very boring in a whole new definition...
I wasn't even in the mood of reading the twilight series...
So I just spent the afternoon looking at the ceiling and then falling asleep as always...

In this dream...
The person I wanted to avoid the most came back into my mind...
She was with me holding my hand...
We were sitting in a bench...
She was talking about something that I can't understand... it was like she was speaking scribbles...
Then finally she said she loves me...
Then everything came crashing down to my mind...
This was just an Illusion...
Just a mere fabrication of my heart and my mind...
Then she screamed tormenting sounds...
It was like she was a banshee when she screamed...
The screams kicked me back to consciousness...

I sat at my bed...
I thought I can avoid the memories...
Even if what I had was just an Illusion... it was all too real...
But I just can't...
Even if I tried to bury my flashbacks with grueling work, they always came back...
Getting stronger each time they play in my dreams...

Will this tormenting flashbacks ever end...
I'm scared that one day I'll snap and turn berserk... a heartless being bent on nothing but death...
I need my melody once again...
She's the one who can calm me from my flashbacks of my dreaded wraith...
Maybe because the melody was silent this weekend that my flashbacks found an opportunity to strike me.... At my weakest moment...

Glad that tomorrows a school week...
I can finally keep busy...
I can finally see her again...
To listen at her soothing voice...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's whats going on inside my mind right now...

"Sometimes I wished I just wasn't born...
I feel that I have no use... no worth at all....
I'm just a burden to everyone....
Will it be better if I just disappeared....
To just be erased from reality... for my name to be just a blank...
If I wasn't born, will there be a change?
Will there be a chance that if not for me, that person could have been dead now?
Did I make a difference? Did I just occupy a space?
Am I a waste of everything?
Do I really have a worth?"

Silence accompanies me tonight....

Second Life....

Listening to "Your Call" by Secondhand Serenade....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another chance...
One more chance for retribution...
To fix everything you have done wrong...
To have another bite of life with a different perspective...
To tell what you really feel before this second life ends...

To know that while your in slumber, there was a person around you with cruel intentions...
To just wake up that your still breathing and the only thing missing is something that is inanimate...
Yet you cry because of that object...
What do you treasure most? your life or something inanimate that one day will surely breakdown anyway...
Sulking is not the answer... Just be thankful your not a corpse....
If something happened to you, I won't be able to forgive myself for not being there to even protect you...
Most of the time, I'll be here for you... To cheer you up in the darkest nights, To be your shield in times of danger even if I have to sacrifice my life just for you to be safe, To be your punching bag just for you to dispense your anger...

Second life... Your lucky you still woke up...
Your lucky that you didn't receive even a single scrape...
Now you have another chance for life...
Will you change for the better or will you continue living like before, depressed and alone spending all those nights writing what loneliness feels like...

I want you to smile...
If something's wrong, just tell me what is it...
I'll be here for you always...
I promise to be beside you...

Enjoy the new life...
Give it another try...
Your one of the lucky ones...
Some didn't even have another chance...
You lived so lonely before...
Try living it with a different taste...

"I'm always here to stay..."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now a little etc....

"Her name is like a rhyme....
A song that could make a crying baby smile....
A name you won't forget...
You can sing her name in different tones...
Yet it all sounds the same....
She's a melody... A melody that is stuck in my head... But I never want to forget the melody...
It's something precious to me..."

Panic....

Note: In this post I will be saying the word "bitch" many times so sorry for the offended readers....

So tired... I barely have energy to keep awake
yet I put myself to the limits by posting this...
I'm so tired... I got home at about 6:30 today...
my P.E. was such a drag...
First activity and it's already exhausting...

Though it was enjoying... I loved it...
I met new people... Though that certain wraith was there, I was still happy...
Though that bitch is really starting to piss me of... Yes I'm calling her a bitch now...
Because I'm so pissed at her... I hate that bitch...

On with the story
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So earlier this day we had 5 subjects which was Rizal Course,
Analytic Geom., Theology, English and World Literature

So far the first two was ok but when the 3rd subject ended...
Something happened...

My savior was in distress...
She had lost an important thing...
When she texted me that, I quickly got out and called her...

First sound I heard was her crying...
I asked her what's the problem...
She said her laptop was stolen... I asked how...
She didn't knew... I just tried to calm her down though she just keeps crying....
Within those 15 minutes I just tried to calm her down...
Though I really wanted to say that She was lucky she just lost something inanimate rather than her losing her life...
I never got the courage to say that...
She said that I still had classes...
Even if I said that to be careful while she waited there then I hanged up...
I never wanted to end the call...
I just wanted to be on the line no matter how long it may take just for her to stop crying...
I'll risk my useless schedule just for her...
I won't leave my savior...

Finally my 5 subjects were over... it was 12 in the afternoon...
and my final class was P.E. which was 3pm
So I did nothing but eat lunch and explore
the campus... though I already know every way and every short cut...
I was hoping I will see something new just to pass the time...
So far she was alright... I'm happy she's safe...

Then a former classmate of mine called me... I asked where he was going...
He said that he was trying to get a scholarship program...
I accompanied him because I was so bored...
after fixing some papers at the engineering building,
we went to the tan yan kee building to pass some paperwork
after all those walking he left then I saw some of my classmates...
I tried to walk closer to them... But that bitch was there...
I was so pissed... I thought it was over but why is the bitch here?!
I just waved at my classmated and left the building because I was so angry...

few minutes later... I changed to my P.E. attire which was only a polo shirt
and then I attended my pe class...
some of my friends were there... the bitch was also there also... Damn....
So far I met some of my new pe mates... I feel this will be a good sem....

L.A. walk.... I loved that lecture... it was disco theme...
the moves were very close to that of disco moves...
though the 2 hours was tiring, I loved every minute of it...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm barely awake now.... My vision is starting to blur.......
Goodnight readers
and goodnight my savior.........stay safe..........zZzZzZzZ

Just one of those nights....

When I talk to other people, I change most of my vocabulary. Why?
It's because I hate trying to repeat myself when they don't understand what I say.
They say I'm somewhat weird because I talk like this.
It's hard finding someone who knows what your trying to say.
Usually only misunderstandings arise within conversations.
But once you found that person who understands... The fear of loneliness fades...

This is just one of those nights
wherein boredom takes over
this is when we think we have done everything on the list
though the truth is that there is still work to be done
work that seems to never stop
work that makes your day crap
work that never seems to stop giving you frowns

Writing this kind of posts is one of the effects of boredom...
I know that this post makes no sense... I know because I also think this post is crap

Every night we think of the things we need to do the next day before we sleep
even if we're not sure if we'll still be breathing the next morning...

I'll end this post with some questions...

"Is everything good always right?"

"Is something moral because God loves it? or God loves it because it is moral?"

"Will your brain explode because of this questions?"

"Will we still wake up tomorrow"

Goodnight....

Helping Hand Savior

That week... I was silent...
Everybody smiled around me...
Yet inside me was my bleeding heart...
I thought I wouldn't last another week in that room... Then...
Then one night... I just happened to talk to someone because of sadness...
I don't know what kind of force was controlling me but I was surprised I confessed my problems to her...
I thought I just made a fool of myself by doing that... I was wrong...
She understood me as if we had the same mind...
Usually people only had nosebleeds to some of the things I say...
Yet she understood every word I said... It was because she knew what it is to be hurt...
Not physically of course but emotionally...
She saved my life... I'm grateful to her...

Back to Reality...

Well I still haven't started reading New Moon because of school...
I want to read those letters... I want to know what happens next...
Though, I already what will happen because I read a summary of the 4 books...
Still I want to read the book... Reading is just one of my passion...
Its my kind of drugs...

School is such a drag...
Having to deal with 4 math courses...
Having to deal with teachers who you wished just perished...
Having to deal with a wraith...
Damn... I guess I still have one more person that keeps me from going insane...

She mesmerizes me with every step...
She dazzles me with her stares..
Her creative mind is unbelievable...
Her smiles, Unforgettable...
Her childish look, so cute...
Her words, my reason to be sane...

So far so good....

Well so far no excruciating flashbacks...
no painful memories...
keeping myself busy is the only thing I can do for now...
but I know that one day... I'll be with her....
The true angel of my life....

Well I'm doing nothing now except writing of course...
Finally finished Twilight book 1
and the disturbing fact is that I finished it
within 24 hours.... yes within one day....

Stephenie Meyer's book really gave my mind a crave...
It's not everyday you read a book about
a romance between a mortal and a vampire....
The story was awesome... though I already
want to read the second book... it's becoming an addiction...

lets see how many names I could list in the twilight series...
hmmm... there's Bella, Renee, Charlie, Phil, Edward, Rosalie, Emette, Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, Esme, Mike, Jessica, Tyler, Billy, Jacob, James, Victoria, Laurent, and some other names.....
Reading a 400+ paged book sure is tiring
especially if you read it all in one day...

So far her memories are not kicking in...
She's starting to become a mist...
Her face dissapearing...
Her voice weakening...
Her touch hand slowly turning further to the empty void...

Back to school work I suppose and back to living hell...
Wish I had more time so I could start reading New Moon
I guess I'll be looking forward reading it next weekend....

There's just one more scenario....
I saw another... My heart started to beat again...
This one is much, much more different than the dredded wraith...
She's just more kinder, her beauty.... Incomparative....
I just wish she's the angel I've been looking for oh so long...
I don't want to fall like before....

Finally I can cope with the pain...
Finally I could smile without that wraith torturing me...
All because of that angel... She's a lifesaver....

Goodnight to all....

Another page for the Book...

Nothing to do...
Got no one to talk to at the moment...
I miss them... I miss her...
Still... Life goes on and new pages never end....

My Book?
My Book of memories...
My oh so painful moments...
And ofcourse, The Joyful moments that I still cling to...

I remember the day when
we always went to different computer shops after class
hoping that 6 seats will be open...
after gaming... always eating Chicken strips in the street...

The times with her... I still cling to...
Her touch, Her smile, Her voice, and ofcourse her eyes that to me was panoramic...
Those silly text messages... Those moments outside the school eating lunch....
I remember that day when you were so scared of that cat...
Looking at your reactions... It made me laugh... then you laughed also...

I can't get over these memories...
No matter how much stress or how much work I receive
to keep me busy... Once I stop working... I quickly get those flashbacks...
Wish I could just forget them but its easier being said than done...
Its like being shot at both arms when I try to forget... Very Excruciating...

My Moments of Thought... They're the ones occupying my mind for the time being...
I miss them... Wish I could just Bactrack everything so I could fix all of these...
Sometimes I wished I was "Goblin Techies" so I could just explode to an empty void...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Arghhh.... Why can't I stop bitching about this...

The past can't be changed... You can't write at already written pages...
All you could do is read it over and over again...
The only answer is to add the pages...
You can't change the past but you can do something about tomorrow...

I guess I can put what I feel right now in these song:

Tonight
by FM Static

I remember the times we spent together
on those drives
We had a million questions
all about our lives
and when we got to New York
everything felt right
I wish you were here with me
tonight

I remember the days we spent together
were not enough
and it used to feel like dreamin'
except we always woke up
Never thought not having you
here now would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I remember the time you told me about when you were eight
And all those things you said that night that just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
and the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
and stayed out way too late
I remember the time you SAT AND told me about your Jesus
and how not to look back even if no one believes us
When it hurt so bad sometimes
not having you here...

I sing,
"Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight"

I sing,
"Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Songs can really make you emotional....

Your gone...

Your gone...
I'll miss everything about you...

Your Face...
That Smile that never seemed to fade away...
That Laughter was so loud...
That sweet, sweet voice that always enticed me
That touch of your hand that always made me smile

I'll miss it...

Though if we can't really work this out then
I have no choice...
If this is what you want,
then go ahead...
it's not like I'll sulk over this like some people I know...

I respect all your decisions
no matter how dim the idea may be...
I have no regrets
I have no problems with what you want

But I just want you to be clear...

No need to show me the irritating silent treatment...
Just tell it to me straight
Don't act like a coward
Just tell it straight at my face that it's over....

I was a fool to believe your lies
I was a moron to fall for you
I thought you were my world but then again,
You blinded me of the real things that I should treasure most

Seems like when it comes to love...
I always finish last...
I never win...
I always get hurt...
What a pain in the Ass...

This Feeling of anger combined with sadness...
Why is it I'm accustomed to it?
Maybe it's because I'm always hurt :(
Even though I tried everything to avoid this, It always hit me like a bullet

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now Back to reality...
What are the problems?

• School
• School
• School
• School

OMFG!! School is more of a pain than before
I mean I have to pass 4 math courses!! I repeat, 4!!!
It looks like this semester will be one hell of a ride! =p


~~Happiness surrounds me once again...

To the people who always Inspired me...

I just realized...
That some people are important
no matter how much you ignore or get angry at them
they'll always give you that painful moment when you were still together
no matter how much they'll ignore you, you'll still realize how much important they were to you...

First of all, I thank my first section in my college life. The one and only section of 1-4.
You guys were amazing, you gave me a whole other way of thinking things through.
Your daily quotes, simply amazing, really made me think how much stupid I was...
Thank you guys.... Your the number one reason why I made this Blog ^_^

On with the list...

To my former tropa... You guys were amazing, I'm sorry for reacting so foolishly without even thinking... These guys were composed of some of the best Dota players I've seen. There Ideas, Way of thinking, very lame jokes that made you laugh hard, and habits... I've held on to those and I will take it to my grave... Those Jokes and some of your Problems.... They gave me Inspiration to write... Because of them, I got a habit of listening to a lot of alternative rock bands...You guys are the best ^_^

To my former friend... I can't exactly tell her name but I guess she knows I'm talking about her... Our friendship really made me happy everyday... Though you didn't keep a lot of your promises, it's alright because I know that you don't even care about it... Those Saturdays afternoons... simply the best... talking to you seemed like time stopped... Seeing you smile always gave me joy though seeing you sad always made me depressed because I know that whatever I do, you won't listen to my advice instead, you'll just end the night crying... I don't know what I was to you but thank you for everything... One day I'll forget you and move on... Now that I've said those things, I could finally say... "Even though I thanked you for everything, I now regret that I have met a person such as you..." If its over then its over...

To Life... The reason why I post is because something very happy or very depressing happened to my life... Because of these series of fortunate and unfortunate events, It gave me lots of ideas of what to write... Even though I always seem to get every sad part of life, I thank that I had these experiences... Now I only hope if these unfortunate events would stop...

Finally to the readers... Knowing that you read my posts gave the inspiration to continue to write... Even though some think my posts are shit, it's alright because I know I can't avoid it ... I write what I feel... I write what I encountered regardless of being fortunate or not... I write every single moment that I want to remember until I reach my grave...

Inspirations.... You guys are the best ^_^

I'll remember you all until the end of my fading days...

First two days of second semster....

Two days...
Two days of boredom...
Two days of irritation...
Two days of being an outcast....

I hate it!
I thought it was going to be the four of us friends
Anne, AJ, Leo, and me
and then I was surprised a lot of students
were from section 1-14 (section of Anne and Leo during 1st sem ^_^)
I said "Holy Shit!! how the hell did these people get here?!"

Anne and Leo were surprised that most of their classmates (about 20 students or something)
were there though they didn't even tell them that they were changing to section 1-8
Though its not much of a problem on their side because they were so fucking many!
and they know each other a lot

Though on our case, I was so pissed
because only AJ and me were the only people from 1-4
and we were like outcasts
besides from Anne and Leo, we didn't know anyone...

The room were filled with people from 1-7 and 1-14
and it seems the division between those two sections
were clearly seen...
it was like there was a line between them
left is 1-14 and 1-7 to the right

To add to the dilemma,
I couldn't even make a move at her
there was too much people
and I was so irritated at the chanting of the name that sounds like shooter
I was so pissed to the extreme

I felt like walking out of the class and not to return again
I wanted to change sections to 1-23 or even 1-3
though because of her, I didn't do anything
Instead, I just sat at my place looking at all the new faces
and listening to that irritating chant

Tomorrow is day 3 and I'm looking forward that something worse will happen again

"I thought there was something, I was wrong,
terribly wrong.
Now, I regret all the moments that happened between us since the day I met you..."

Damn I'm so angry today...
>_<

Sleepy.... so sleepy...

Guess sleeping for 8 hours is still not enough when you stayed up late from 8pm to 1pm the next day ^_^

Just got home from the cemetery earlier this day
And doing nothing besides staying awake
is very depressing when you have no one to talk to....

So we left for the cemetery about 8pm yesterday and arrived there at about 9
Entering the cemetery was already hell because of the traffic
but finding a parking space inside was more of a pain
not to mention carrying the stuff to our spot ^_^

So we finally arrived at my father's grave and I was surprised
to find my childhood friend (well we we're only friends when we were still young but now guess were merely acquaintances) sitting at a rock nearby
First I can't seem to see her face since it was dark
then when she went closer
the only words I could think was "OMFG!!"
she changed and by the looks of it, she changed a lot and I mean a LOT!

her looks... exceptionally cute
though we didn't really talk
it seems to her I'm not there
and to me, she's also not there
talk about a sad re-acquaintance

On with the story
so for the past hours we did nothing but look into the far distance while eating and talk about nothing special
While doing nothing I was looking at my phone if she texted me
so far, my inbox was empty

When the time was about 1am everything seemed to be quiet
the only thing I could here was weak whispers
Finally my friend left to go home
the area seemed to be more silent

I regret not talking to her
though inside was a strong feeling
that she was not the girl I met before...

The time was 2am in the morning and everybody
seemed to fall asleep except for me because if I sleep then who would guard the things

now the battle with the sandman began
about 3am my eyelids were getting heavy
then unknowingly, I already fell asleep
about 3:30am I suddenly woke up because
I felt someone was calling me... I had a feeling dad wanted to keep me up

to keep awake, I plugged in my earphones
and listened to some tunes
though the only songs that could keep me awake was
Godspeed by Anberlin, and some tunes from Senses Fail

finally it was 6 and everybody seemed to be waking up
the noise started to get louder

everything was boring until 12 in the afternoon....

Finally, we packed up and went home
when we got home, the only things I remembered
was walking to my bed and then darkness
zZzZzZz.....

a good night to all...

I have a gun pointed at your skull and a shovel...

You think she's merely an object to you?!
Just something to brag to everyone?!
Well if you think that's her purpose for you
Then Prepare to die very soon

You hurt her like your always in control
You cage her like a trapped animal
Is there something wrong with your brain?!

When you hurt her
You always plead for forgiveness acting like you were the one played
Over and over again this scene plays
Just like re-runs

Out of all she has done for you
what have you done for her in return?!
your relationship lasted for more than a year
yet in between those months
Instead of loving her, you love someone who is not even in this country

Now it's over and she's free from the likes of you
I'm going to her shield, her dagger
If you even think that you could play with her heart like that
I'll shoot you, literally I'll shoot you with a gun
and bury your carcass in a huge pile of garbage

I pity the fools like you...

Crying won't help you...

I know it hurts when you remember the past
I know its hard to forget those precious moments
But don't even think I'm going to leave you like that
I'll be on your side no matter what happens

Stop crying when you remember those images
Crying won't help you heal
nor help you fix something that is already over

Just move on and forget him
I know he's a total moron for loving you but at the same time cheating you
He's a total moron for not appreciating you
He says he loves you but on the contrary he just wants to hurt you

We still have a dream
more like a goal
to attain the title of an 8 letter word
A goal that will need us to go through hell to attain

Don't even think your alone
I'm here, They're here, all of us are here for you
You say it hurts? heck we'll cry with you
If you really want, we'll kill that moron anytime you want

If you cry until a river is made,
Build a bridge
and get over it

Life is hard
many commit suicide
many die so young
But some perseveres to succeed...

Misunderstandings can kill, avoid it :D

Have you ever been judged wrongly because they didn't understand the idea of what you say?
It really pisses you off, doesn't it?

I myself was judged this week by a person who always uses his mouth before his mind

Remember my post "The Price of Hardwork"?

Well I guess he didn't understand the line "So I bid farewell to the people I once called friends"
Well just for him, I'll give the idea

First, the people I'm trying to point out with that line as a group of people composing of 5 persons (6 if you include me)

Here's their first three letters of their surnames so we can get this straight. I have a strong feeling the criticizer knows this people. They are Bab, Bon, Jar, Juc, Sum.
Now you know them?

Secondly, It's not hard trying to forget them since I only met them for a very short time (shorter than two years to be exact)
Those memories, yeah I can't forget it but because of the short time we had, They're not enough to make me regret my decision

Lastly, Why do you feel like I know you? Your not even a friend of mine. Heck your barely an acquaintance to me.
The only thing I know about you is your name and that's all.

So don't even think your something precious or something sentimental because to me, your just wind.

Ignoring the biological needs just for a person...

I was really an all nighter the last night
I spent the night just chatting with my friend

We first started talking about the our new section, 1-8
and by the time you know we were already talking about
the reasons why we joined 1-8

I first told her how sad it will be for me
knowing only a single face in a class that will be in reality very large
She told me that it will be alright
and that the only reason she joined was for me...
I was surprised at her saying that...
After a few seconds i answered that
I joined 1-8 just for her...
She smiled, I smiled, We laughed

She then told me that her best friend has a chance to be my seatmate
since his surname is "Olalo" while mine was "Ona"
I said that I'm just fine with that
Then I joked saying if she could remove a part of her surname
for her to be close to us
She laughed and I laughed, We once again laughed for a while

Then I asked her another question saying that
if she laughed in public so loud that everyone stared at her
A pause then she replied with a yes with a matching laugh
Then she asked me the said question, I also replied with a yes and a matching laugh

In our conversation I realized that I was the only one with the questions...
did she realize that I was trying to know her more and more?
was she getting the hint that I was trying to win her affections?
She didn't seem to be bugged by my questions so I continued

Then out of the blue I asked her if she believed in befriending professors
She laughed and said in a loud voice "NEVER!!"
I laughed with her and also said no when she returned the question

Finally she asked me a question
for me I think she was asking a random question
but maybe there was something but I just ignored whatever it is
she asked me how long was the flight to california from manila
I replied with the answer 15 hours and 50 mins (got that from a website)

Our conversation continued with random questions
some were funny questions while some were sad

after some time
I asked her if she was sleepy
she said no
she returned the question
I said a little bit but I'll hold
she changed her primary pic
I liked that pic
It was so different from the others

we continued with our chat
and asking one another if we were tired from time to time

Then finally a serious question popped up from her
She asked me if I were scolded by my parents
I said ofcourse
and told her about a time when I was seriously scolded
what I told her was a really sad story
we just shook the sadness with laughs, lots and lots of laughs

Finally I asked her if she was tired
she said a little and then returned the question
I said yes

We bid our goodnights
she logged out
a few seconds later I logged out
It ended.

Goddnight ^_^

Pre Sectioning day: day of hell

Finally got home from school today
and I have to say this say sucks(well not all of it but some part of it does suck)

So I went to school earlier at 8 am.
I first texted my friend if she was already there,
she said she's close.
So I went inside the Engineering building
and found two billboards, both contained schedules for the second semester
one is for the first year students and the other for the sophomores.
I found no familiar face so I just looked at the schedules.

After looking at some of the schedules (which I didn't really memorize)
I finally saw a familiar face, it was Ton, a block mate of mine.
He asked me where are the others, I said I didn't saw anyone yet.
We continued to chat until he found some of our block mates.
When he asked me to go to room 201 with the others to get the clearance
I refused and said I was still waiting for my friend

The time was already 8:30 and still no sign for her
so I went to room 201 and found a significant number of my block mates
We went inside along with the other sections who were also going to get their clearance
When it was 8:45, she finally texted me where I was and that she was at the lobby
I told her to wait. I left my bag in the custody of one of my block mates and went down the lobby
There I saw her looking also at the schedules and I talked to her for a short while.
She asked me to join the class of 1-8.

I could never forget the class of 1-4, never.
But the schedules were a little tight for we have 4 math subjects
for the second semester and I wanted a little break.
When I returned to room 201 I found that my block mates increased in number
and that we were next to get our clearance. I took mine and went straight to room 208
to greet her. There she asked me if I received my clearance, I said yes, she asked if there are any failures. I said "none" though I never got a look at my clearance because I quickly placed it inside my bag. When she said she was going to look at the schedules, I said ok and saw her with her best friend walk with her down the stairs. Afterward, I finally looked at my clearance and guess what... no failures!!!

I returned downstairs and saw her looking once again at the schedules.
I asked her what section are we going to pick, she said 1-5.
I asked why not 1-8, she said the english was under ms. devil (I am not going to tell her real name ofcourse)
I said with a happy voice "sure!"

I strayed at the campus until it was quarter to 11.
11 was the time of pre sectioning
I went inside the Eng'g bldg., went up the stairs until the third floor
when I reached the third floor, HELL STARTED.

The first thing I said was "shit!"
We were packed like god damned sardines!!
And the air, the air reigned supreme as the air of death
The air smelled like fart, underarm sweat, bad breath, and a lot more things that I do not know what their english term is.
We were packed for quite a number of minutes until faculty members started to emerge from the stairs.
though, they really wasn't any help since the doors were locked.

We were screaming like idiots
some said "Wowowee na!!" others said "Baho!!" while some said "Sunog!!!"
as if the air wasn't enough, the screams were also pissing us off more and more
The air now has a different effect, my chest hurted while in the crowd.
finally the doors of 305 oppened people went rushing in like escaping from a Bull in mexico.
the only screams I heard were "PUSH!!!!!!!"

While Inside, we were still packed like sardines but in a much smaller compartment
I saw the paper for 1-8 which me and my argued and finally got a conclusion to what section to get
me and one of my blockmate signed our names, student number, and our signatures and left without a care in the world
Finally I can breathe again
The rest of my block mates were still their packed, signing their infos on the paper for 1-7
While looking at them I saw their faces dropping with sweat while pushing to sign at the paper
I felt guilty not joining them :(

Finally we rested at class 306 which were unoccupied
at the end,

The class of 1-4 was divided to pieces
some went to 1-3, some to 1-7, we went to 1-8, another team went to 1-9, and the Chemical Engineering students were still going to sign in for other sections tomorrow

God my chest still hurts a little
well I'm off to rest for a while...

Listening to Classics...

Listening to classics back
when I was still little,
the first thing I always say is
"I don't like old songs, change the song!"

but now when I hear classics
I say this
"You change the song, you die"
Guess there's always time to listen to oldies

Back in high school
the kind of songs I usually
listen to are rock, alternative rock, metal, etc.
I don't like listening to R&B, or other mellow songs

Now, I guess it's the other way around
*Damn, I'm getting hooked at earth, wind & fire*
I'm starting to love their songs
guess disco was cool after all

When listening to my old type of favorite songs,
the ideas I usually have are very sad, yes very sad
*Thanks a lot silverstein!*
now, when listening to other genres
my thoughts are more open
and because of that I get more ideas to write about :D

Well as we go on, we really tend to change
our looks
our voice
our way of thinking
heck even our beliefs


Well' I'm off
Goodnight to all readers ^^

A feeling of happiness with a touch of sadness

I'm your friend... that's a fact
I will be always at your side
If your happy, I'll smile with you
If your sad, I'll cry with you
If your angry, You can take all your anger at me
I'll always support you no matter what
though someday I want us to become more than that...

We had a chat earlier in YM :P....
talking about past relationships
She misses her ex but she tries to get over it
She asked me about my ex... I said I already got over her
Though I still miss her but not that much...

With those words she told me...
I feel I got to meet her more
While talking to her, I was looking at her primary picture
I'm starting to get hypnotized by that face...
Seconds feels like minutes when I look at her...
I'll put what I feel about her in this lyric

"So when I see you, you know all the things I've done
and I am blinded
Like I'm staring at the sun
When I see you...
When I see you...
When I see you...
It's like I'm staring at the sun! Yeah!"
- from the song Blinded by Third Eye Blind

I told her a story about me when I tried
to court a girl from my class
who wasn't really pretty but her smile hypnotizes me also...
I tried to court her but I stopped for unknown reasons (I still ask myself why... Why?)
Then after some months I was surprised to find that the girl has a...
well let's just say she found Romeo...

after telling that story, She asked me if I was hurt
I told her to that I'm fine... She smiled...
even if she smiles in terms of emoticons... I still feel that special feeling....
Then She had to go... maybe because she was going to school tomorrow at 7am
She tried to ask me this question...
" :{} what's this?
:{} what's this?"
I told her I don't know
She said Pringles... I laughed.... made me smile :D
She said bye.. the chat ended

For now I want us to be the best of friends...
To be here at times of need to either
cheer you up or just to give you company
But... as time passes by... well I'm just hoping
for the best...

What a long post eh?
Goodnight to all :D...

1st sem down, 9 hells to go...

Well it's over
1st semester I mean
after months of nothing but study study study and of course a little DoTa

Though a lot of things really doesn't want me to proceed
one of those things is the very owning "English"
yes, our english subject is owning us

Besides the very difficult tests in which only 1 to 5% of the class pass
the passing score is 70% of the score!!
You feel you could do better?

All I wanted is a little break
from life's challenges like work, useless friends (names are not included), and of course those pimple giving stress T_T
Yet I'm lucky I still go on even though Life's problems are heavy

Hope I could last until graduation
Now one more problem is about her...
Nah!! Forget about it
what I need now is to always smile ^_^

Tomorrow is... WTF!! consultation day!!
well maybe I could pass English if I talk to the prof.

"Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
Ah, la peaceful melodys
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love"
-from the song I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

You gotta hear the remix of the song especially the chipmunks version, It's so cute ^_^

Well I'm Off

The last week of the first semester

Damn!
Time goes so fast
Feels like only yesterday when I was just taking the USTET
now... it's already the end of the 1st semester.

Not to mention that the only thing
we will do this week is answering
mind numbing, bloody tests
after this week only goodbyes are heard...

It's so sad saying goodbye so fast
just when you thought you was getting along with them,
you already have to say goodbye
to the friends you have met for just a short time.

well I guess it can't be helped
that's college life
it's not easy in the process
but the reward's worth it

I just hope that in the next semester,
She'll be my classmate....

this is the last post for this week
because studying I must once again suffer
anyways
good luck to my fellow classmates
lets not get left behind in the tests
lets show those damn professors our potential... :D

I'm so sorry...

Note: Ignore this post if you must, I just have to get this out of my chest

so here goes:

So I was reading my friendster inbox which was 25 pages i think
While I was surfing I found some mail
that I didn't know I received
and to think that something was wrong between us for years

At first I sent a mail saying the following (translated in English):
"What's the problem?
for the past days you didn't reply.
I can take a hint if you want this to stop.
If you just want for us to be over just say it.
I don't want the silent treatment.
This is my last message to you,
If you don't reply to this
then I get the message
Goodbye... maybe not?"

I sent that message back when I was still a sophomore high school student
which I think was back in 2005
So it's been how long?! 3 years?!

Then I found at that she did reply saying (also translated in english):
"I'm so sorry
I've been really busy the past few days
I don't want this to end between us,
I still love you and I hope you still love me back.
I hope we could still work this out
I love you... Hope you can understand...."

After reading her message, I was so pissed at myself
I didn't realize that she was having problems herself
I just ignored her for the past few years
and now I don't know what happened to her...

I hope she could forgive me
for the thing I did
I should have first what she was going through...
Maybe we really can work this mess out

Finally I got that out of my chest...
A good slumber to all...

Either I'm hurt or somethings wrong

I don't know why
But why is it that when I look at you
I don't feel that same feeling
That I always felt before

Maybe your just hiding something from me
maybe your just tired of me
is this the end?

I'm always hurt
why does it always happen?
I'm always underestimated
though they don't know my potential
I'm getting tired of this people
who likes to torment my life

They don't know what I feel
when they always torment me
Though I persevere to achieve what I want
Something always seem to pull me down

"Back to reality ^^"

well I just said those thing above because of a particular person
I'm really getting tired of being always trying to be around her
She treats me like nothing
She never even gave thanks to the things I did for her

Should I just end it?
Should I just stop?

I hate it when I always do my best to impress people
though they don't even look at me
It feels like I'm making a fool of myself

But... I can't forget about her
I'm seriously in love
though I say I'm getting sick of her,
she never fades in my mind

maybe time will come when the right person will come...
maybe not...
who knows...

Before I end it with her I'll ask this serious question
"Do we have a chance?"
if she says no, then I bid farewell to her

"what a complete waste of post that I just did..."