The last thing I'll say for her

I'm tired of wasting my time for her
To waste every minute just thinking about her
I can finally say the last words to her
The last words of my goodbye

I've wasted a lot on you
But I really never got anything in return
I've been living a lie when I was with you
My life was hell because of you

At first I thought loosing you was painful
I was wrong...
Sure it may hurt at the start
But as time goes, my freedom shows...

Loosing you was a blessing from God
It gave me time to think
And come to a sad conclusion
That I spent a lot of time on you instead of my own

I spent so much time on you
That it tore me apart from what I needed the most
My friends, my family, you tore me apart from them
Now that I've got them back, your nothing anymore...

Maybe you can still torture me for now
With your ignorance and smiles
But don't even think you can keep me down
For I won't lose this war...

From once a relationship that concluded to a war
What a sad ending for such a good beginning
Whose fault was it, I don't care anymore
For I must now try to exist without her clouding my ever thought...

So finally goodbye to you
Thanks for all the wasted time we spent
This is the last time I'll say something about you
Because after a day or two, your gone in my heart and in my life

Why now?

Why should this faint memory return
Is it to merely haunt me for life
Is it to stay as long as my heart beats
Or is it here again to tell me something else

Why can't I just accept the word No
I just won't quit
Even if I'm left bleeding at a corner
I just wont quit, I fight to the last beat

It's hard to accept that fact
That truly sad fact
That no matter what I try
I can't bring her back to my arms

So should I just watch this memory
As it runs in my mind over and over again
Every detail is still clear as a lake
Everything is so vivid about her

Her every detailed part
From her distinct eyes
To her fingernails
I can see them so clearly... so painful

Now I stare at her back
Wishing I could return to the past
To stop myself from doing that error
That error that led to my own demise

Friends, Family, they can't help
No matter how much time I spend with them
I can still remember her from time to time
every image of her that seemed like an angel

Just this once, I would like to change this scene
So I could turn the tables
Instead of staring at her back
I'll be beside her holding that hand

And so another night ends
with another senseless poem
and before I bid my farewell
I say... I miss you as the rose misses the sun

Adieu...

If only my apologies can reach her heart just once... If only...

This game of mine...

This game of mine I play alone
No allies yet hundreds of enemies
The odds are always against me
Though winning is the only option

In this game, you can never call someone a friend
You may trust your life to them
But one day or another
They'll stab you in the back for no reasons

It's hard to live when the stakes are against you
Every single day is a challenge
One tiny goal needs you to go through a rat hole
Can you still play this game of mine?

In this game, everyone are living degenerates
They are living Hypocrites
They try to take what's right
and replace it with their worthless kind of logic

There are no restarts
As do any games of life
There are no options to change difficulty
everything is set to insanity and nothing would change that

Now all that remains are cheats
are there any? of course they have...
There are thousands of cheats in this game
But you have to accept that with every cheat comes a greater disappointment

I haven't lost this game
Never have I cheated though
But trying to live this game of mine
reminds me that you don't need to die to experience hell...

Our world. Our nightmare.

How can I call this home?
Where crimes happen every second
Where people die for no reason
Is this still our world?

Where did the once peaceful society go?
What happened to the honest politicians?
Or is it just because that our world is so corrupt
that even the purest of man can be defiled...

My family, My friends, My mentors
Some of them are dead now
A death they didn't deserve
A death that was too young

Even at our own homes were not safe
Any second, someone might jump at the backyard and shoot you in the head
And there goes your life
All ended by a man longing for riches

From the simplest common man
To the highest government official
Anyone can be corrupted by the sight of gold
Is this the end of our society as we know it?

Look at the news...
Before, drug pushers are sentenced by the highest punishment
But now...
They're given freedom?! what kind of world is this?

Everywhere you look, greed is seen
from shortage of changes
to the the sudden disappearance of the government's money
everything is all the same...

Even children today are given guns
Guns that they'll use against fellow man
For just one worthless reason...
Money...

I'm not saying we're not all like this
Our society still has hope
Like mercury in pandora's box
There is still a tiny spark of light in the stream of darkness

I'm leaving you.

We had a good run
But this really just wont last
Your one of the best persons I've ever met
But this is where we take our crossroads...

I'm happy for the times we had
Our stares that lasted for minutes,
The precious times of just being the two of us,
Too bad it ended so early... so young...

Do you remember the cat back then?
You we're so afraid of it
You even hugged me out of fright
And that was the time everything began...

How about our games of chess...
We played for hours but the winner was always you
You were really better than me
But wasn't it the game that got us closer?

How about the times when you spent the night crying
I was always there for you just to calm you
I don't even know if you ever did listen to me
But in the end, you always ended up laughing rather than crying

The time when you introduced me to your mom
She was so nice but you we're much nicer
She even invited me for a movie marathon with you.. how could I say no?
I got home very late that night because of you... *laughs*

December 19... that event that meant so much more...
Under those fireworks I heard those words from you
The words that took me some time to realize.. damn noise
To my surprise, you left a kiss in my lips... finally I understood

Happy times we had
This I take to my grave
Your name forever tattooed in my mind
as the girl that gave another good chapter in my life...

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I'll let you decide if this is fictional or not...
Goodnight...

Ninja Bartender.

The title really has no relation with this post. I only wrote that because I just saw a bartender that can do somersaults by running at walls.

It's official. Preliminaries are finally over and now I can rest... not!
Prelims was hell. As if the four math courses were not enough.There was still English, Theology, Rizal Course. I'm in trouble once more.

My scores. I don't even know if I'll even make it to the passing rate. I guess this is the scene where the words "Try harder" enters the human perception. Try harder to pass or try and try again until you fail? I'm pretty much scared right now because of my tests.

Hopefully, There will be another miracle and I'll pass my damn courses. My brain has now experienced being gang raped. Raped by lots and lots of numbers.

Earlier this day was my final test, Theology. The night before, I said to myself that I'll just study the next day because I thought the test was going to be easy. To my dismay, It was hard as hell. Well not really that difficult but it was still pretty hard. My last test ended at 10 in the morning though I still had some practice for my P.E. course which unfortunately was at 2 in the afternoon.

So I had four hours to waste. I can't really go home because the trip back to school would be too much spending for my cheap ass wallet. I wasted one hour playing at the comp shop as always, Spent another hour eating lunch, another hour staring at the people passing by while sitting in a bench, and my last hour sitting in a bench once more but this time I had some company with me.

My friend asked me to stay with her while hanging out while waiting until the clock hits two. I accompanied her of course and we just blabbered and stared at the people passing by for an hour. When our conversations started to get boring, I did the usual thing which was plug in my earphones and listen to some tunes at max volume. Pretty much a boring hour but at least I spent it by actually doing something and not just staring to the great yonder.

Finally it was 2. Us group mates met in front of the engineering building and once we we're complete, we went to practice at one of our group mate's apartment.

Between 2:30 until 6 in the evening, this happened. Practiced for 25% of the total time and the remaining percent was wasted hanging out. My day was mostly wasted.

Right now I'm eating sweet potatoes while finishing this post
*munch..munch...*
Done eating now... Goodnight...

The monument of my failures...

To remember all the failures I've done
I build a monument filled with sorrows
Sorrows that I want to forget
Sorrows that must burn to the ground

From simple mistakes in everyday life
To the most crucial decisions I took
I use them as the foundations
Up to the pinnacle of this monument

There's no point in reminiscing the cruel faith
Why not just gather them in a single spot
And watch them incinerate to the cold, cold air
And let the joys of life fill the once empty void

As I build this monument of mine
I say the most craziest lines in my mind
Is it just to fill up space?
Or just a way for my mind to scream everything out...

16 years worth of failures
I summarized them into one figure
Then I saw eye to eye
My own ego that was fueled by my own negativity

The one I thought monument is now alive
He looks at me with eyes of despair
He want's to inhibit me once again
He'll only end up in vain for he dies now...

The monument that turned to life, died once more
Died by the embers of my mind
The figure is now no more than ashes
I'm free... but for how long will this joy last...

A little poem before I take a nap... then hit the stack of books once more...
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My brain is so stressed @_@
5 whole days of examinations... what a killer
2 days down...3 days to go
3 subjects down... 5 to go...

*Will be going to sleep now and study later*

The cold's embrace...

5:00am, I was woken by continues knocks on my door
And as I rise from the bed that pulls me back
The cold embraces me once again
Giving me one message, I'll never let you go...

While I eat this tasteless breakfast of mine
I hear the news from the telly behind me
If I was to summarize it into one word
It would be "death" and nothing more

Even at the showers, it still embraces me
The cold embrace outweighs even the hottest water
Shivering I may be from my quick bath
Being absent was not a given choice for me...

As I leave the premises of the place I call home
I was offered to wear a jacket by my dearly mother
But I declined her gracious offer
I wanted to feel more of the cold's embrace in my skin...

A trip to school was nothing special
Traffics and such we're daily delays I was used to
If there was something new to happen
It would be someone dying in front of me which was improbable

4 hours of mathematics, 1 hour of history
1 day of pain
A pain in the mind like a thorn stuck in the throat
But something strucked me before this day ended...

Dismissal, a time I always adored...
To run away from this mediocre problems
To have time to just sleep and live
To just escape from the insanity of heavy studying...

My watch was on 1:15...
I walked by the place we called "Plaza mayor"
The cold embrace was gone, the bright sun defeated the cold
Or so I think it was...

As I walk, I saw her waiting for me...
Curios I was, I went closer to her
She was staring at my eyes today
Something was wrong with this scene...

We talked, rather than stare all day
She asked the question I wanted to say all this time
My heart started to beat like a drum
What else could I say but the dramatic yes...She talked back...

Something was wrong with this scene
I was right, everything was to fall apart
I heard those words like a gun firing beside my ears
The words that was like an angels choir in my ears...

We just stared the whole minute...
What else was there to say...
Words we're not enough to depict the moment that lasted for a minute
As I walked her home, I stared at her as she crossed the street...
As if I was stunned by some illumination...

Fin...

Breaking the chain...

I'll try to end my chain of crappy posts...


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Untitled...

The evening is cold once again...
Cold physically yet also emotionally...
I sit on this old chair of mine once again...
This chair that gave these ideas of mine and mine alone...

I think of something to write...
Though I only end with periods and nothing more...
My ideas, a complete blank for now...
My mind, is trapped in a vortex of emptiness...

One idea did come to me...
An idea that was common to the human mind...
What am I thinking about?
It's love of course.. an idea that's so mundane...

Love is what I see everyday...
In this house, in the streets. and also within the school...
So many couples walk past me...
Holding hand while ignoring every other soul...

Am I jealous at them? no doubt I am...
But love is not what matters...
Everything has it's own consequence...
And love is no exemption...

Everything has its own end...
Riches, Excuses, and so does love...
One way or another, it'll end...
Like a plane falling from the bright lighted sky...

But death isn't the answer for every broken heart...
Not like some of the suicidal idiots around every block...
If you're going to love, then accept the consequence...
That one day, you'll be walking down the street with no one to hold...

With every ending, starts a new story...
Every sad ending, starts a whole new tale...
A broken heart may be hard to mend...
But there's no other answer but to just move on...

As I stand from this chair of mine...
I remembered how much of a fool I am...
A fool to keep reminiscing what is over...
A fool to not realize that it's just over...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's my take in a little poetry...

What now?

I met 1, it ended with a feud...
I met 2, it ended with rejection...
I met 3, who knows what will happen...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Earlier tonight, I tried to open a backup of a post I deleted in my blog...
And of course... as always, I forgot the freaking password...
So I spent some hours on trying to open this file but I just ended in dead ends...
Finally, because of anger, I wrote my name as the password and then it opened...
Yep, I was really angry yet laughing at myself for being an idiot...
So I read that post titled "Just Ask..."

After reading that post...
I summarized the whole thing into one question and it was...
"How will I tell her?"
How will I tell her these emotions that I feel...
How will I do it smoothly...
I even wrote on that post that I was prepared for the worse... I was wrong...
I thought I was prepared though I was still hurt...
Rejections are really hard to accept...
I know most of you are laughing right now at me...
Go ahead... Laugh... it's ok ^^...
I'm referring to "2"

Prelims are next week and I'm not nervous...
Something's wrong because I'm not worried...
Who wouldn't be worried at a critical time like this?
Either I'm planning to flunk this semester or something else is bugging me...
Maybe it's her... yes, it is her...
I miss her voice, her touch, her dazzling eyes, her eyes...
I thought I can forget about her but I have to face facts that it's impossible...
The painful emotions may not be worse as before but the memories are clear as ever...
Well, it can't be helped...
I tried all ways to resolve our feud but she just won't take my apology...
So I'll just spend the remainder of this life thinking that she'll only be a memory...
No matter how sentimental the memories may be... she'll be nothing more than that...
I'm referring to "1" by the way...

*Wishing brainwashing humans was legal right now*

Now let's talk about 3...
There's one thing that bothers me about her...
Do I really like her? or do I just like how she looks?
Her face or her true self... which is which?
Is this just a mere crush that led to blindness...
The answers are in my head though It's hidden by massive stress...
I'll just go with the flow of life and wait what happens next...
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1-2-3... Why the hell did I write their names as numbers? hahaha
1-2-3... baba agad ng jeep XD

By the way, thanks for the people who read this blog...
We're now at 1000 hits XD yey!
I promise that the next post will be better than this piece of crap :D

As time pass by...

Ever since Christmas vacation...
Everything seemed to change...
The feelings that always took over my thoughts every time I see her just started to fade...
Before, she was illuminating every time I think of her but now...
The feelings I had for her just started to change...

before I continue I just like to say that I'm not Gay XD
because I know that's the first thing you'll think about

Moving on...
Is it because that we're really kept busy by the prelims starting next week?
Or maybe we're just getting tired of seeing each other always...

For now, I'm still hoping that this is because of the prelims next week...
I still love her no doubt...
It's just that the bright spark before is starting to weaken...
I'm getting paranoid once again...

Now I look back at all the things I've done starting from the 1st day of college...
All those memories we're truly something to be kept...
some to be laughed at and some to be just forgotten...

I just realized that some of the people I hated before are now my closest friends...
Though some of the people I cherished suddenly became my source of anger...
I won't list those people because they pretty much know who they are...
The first people I met during the 1st semester is now turning into a blank...
Maybe because I rarely see them now...
Though the funny thing is that we're separated by only one wall...
Yes, only one wall...
But because of my classes and of course my usual laziness, I rarely see them now...
I hope they still remember me as I still try to tattoo their faces in my mind...

The friends I though I have forgotten...
They just came suddenly...
And I thank them for coming at just the right time where I was really down at the dumps...
I thought they have forgotten me but I was wrong... they never did...
They we're still there at my back... I just didn't look back but they stayed...

Do you believe in love at first sight?
I dont.... no one believes that saying anyway...
But I do believe in blinded at first sight...
the first time you see her and you already want her...
but the truth is you don't...
you don't love her... you just love how she looks and not how she acts...
it's pretty much like falling in love with a beautiful bitch...


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*this post is brought to you by boredom and nonsense XD*

It ended with a blast...

This is a continuation from my previous post...

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It was the night of December 31st...
it was a cold night...
a little bit of fireworks can be heard due to the fact that only a few more hours and it's new year...
everyone was busy in every house...
busy with cooking and preparing for what seemed to be a grand event...

the clock was on 10:00 when the phone rang...
the boy picked up and said hello...
his eyes grew large when he heard the girl's voice...
they talked for a couple of minutes and then the girl asked him to celebrate new year with her...
the boy quickly accepted the girl's request...

11:00...
it's getting more noisier...
the boy's family was already firing up some fireworks...
it was supposed to be a grand night...
but the boy has a secret that only he and his family knows...
he was supposed to tell the girl that very night...
little did he know, everything was going to fall apart...

11:30...
the boy was woken by the phone...
he didn't know that he already fell asleep...
he answered the phone quickly since he was beside it in the first place...
his love was on the other line...
the girl was checking up on him to remind him of their little celebration...
the boy said that he didn't forget about that though he didn't tell her that he fell asleep...
the girl said that she'll be waiting at their house...
then she hanged up...
when the boy hanged up also, there was a huge explosion...
the boy thought that it was only the fireworks...
suddenly, one of his relatives screamed that one of the neighbors house was on fire...
the boy rushed outside...
he prayed that the burning house did not belong to his love... his prayer was unanswered...
one look and he quickly knew that it was his love's house...

he ran outside...
he disregarded the beautiful lights in the sky...
he ignored the thick smoke around the neighborhood...
his eyes was fixed on the house...
he slipped though he ignored the wound and continued with his running...

he finally arrived at his love's house...
he could see her family and other relatives...
the girl's mother was weeping outside...
everyone was outside except for one... she's still inside...
fire fighters ran inside the house...
it took them a couple of minutes until they got out of the burning house but they we're carrying someone...
the girl was completely burned...
she had wounds everywhere...
she was going to die no doubt...
the boy rushed to his love...
she was still breathing...
she held her hand up and gave him a small box...
she said "It's for you... I Love you......."
her hand dropped...
the girl's family saw the lifeless corpse... there was silence and tears we're seen everywhere...
the boy held the small box with a tight grip...
though he hid his tears...

2:30 in the morning...
he got home from the hospital...
everyone was silent...
what was supposed to be the best night turned into complete sadness...
the boy ran straight to his room...
he cried in his bed... and cried... and cried...
when he reached the table, he felt the small box that his love gave to him...
he opened the small box and saw...
he saw a flash drive...
he wondered why the girl would give him a flash drive...

he opened his computer...
he plugged in the flash drive and he saw that there was a video that had the name "For you my love"
he played the video and saw some pictures accompanied by some tunes...
the pictures belonged to the two of them...
pictures of the moments they had during that week...
moments that could never come back...
moments that was taken away thanks to flames...

at the end of the video, there was a little clip from the girl...
she said how much she loves him and that she hopes that they'll be together forever...
the boy cried again..
he was suppose to tell the girl that he had a heart disease from birth...
doctors said that it can't be healed and that he can die any second...
but thanks to wonderful care from his family and some medications, he lived up to this moment...
he never got the chance to tell the girl how much he loves her...

the week they had was the final time they'll be together in this world...

the boy slept at his bed and left the computer running...
he was awoken by a voice that called his name...
he saw a silhouette beside his bed...
when he was fully conscious, he saw that it was the girl...
she held out her hand to him...
she said "let's finally be together forever..."
he held out his hand to her...
they walked outside and saw that the sky was full of stars once again...
they both smiled and kissed under the beautiful sky...

the next morning...
the boy's parents found the boy dead...
he died in his sleep...
but his corpse had a smile at his deathbed...

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What a sad post to start 2009....

I'm going to sleep now...