Hallucinations..

It's back...
My tormenting flashbacks are back...
And it came back with some back up...

This weekend was like every weekends..
Boring and very short...
Though it didn't bother me before because I was usually busy with school work...
But this time it was different...

This afternoon was very quiet and very boring in a whole new definition...
I wasn't even in the mood of reading the twilight series...
So I just spent the afternoon looking at the ceiling and then falling asleep as always...

In this dream...
The person I wanted to avoid the most came back into my mind...
She was with me holding my hand...
We were sitting in a bench...
She was talking about something that I can't understand... it was like she was speaking scribbles...
Then finally she said she loves me...
Then everything came crashing down to my mind...
This was just an Illusion...
Just a mere fabrication of my heart and my mind...
Then she screamed tormenting sounds...
It was like she was a banshee when she screamed...
The screams kicked me back to consciousness...

I sat at my bed...
I thought I can avoid the memories...
Even if what I had was just an Illusion... it was all too real...
But I just can't...
Even if I tried to bury my flashbacks with grueling work, they always came back...
Getting stronger each time they play in my dreams...

Will this tormenting flashbacks ever end...
I'm scared that one day I'll snap and turn berserk... a heartless being bent on nothing but death...
I need my melody once again...
She's the one who can calm me from my flashbacks of my dreaded wraith...
Maybe because the melody was silent this weekend that my flashbacks found an opportunity to strike me.... At my weakest moment...

Glad that tomorrows a school week...
I can finally keep busy...
I can finally see her again...
To listen at her soothing voice...

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Here's whats going on inside my mind right now...

"Sometimes I wished I just wasn't born...
I feel that I have no use... no worth at all....
I'm just a burden to everyone....
Will it be better if I just disappeared....
To just be erased from reality... for my name to be just a blank...
If I wasn't born, will there be a change?
Will there be a chance that if not for me, that person could have been dead now?
Did I make a difference? Did I just occupy a space?
Am I a waste of everything?
Do I really have a worth?"

Silence accompanies me tonight....