Jump to a halt...

Just this week my mind was on overtime...
My ideas never seem to stop...
What about this? What about that? What if?
Full of ideas to those questions...
But now my mind goes to a stop...
I'm facing a traffic light post and it's on a red...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Guess my mind needs a break...
Non stop math subjects, daily irritations...
Questions on how to continue breathing...
Questions on how can I forget her, permanently...
My mind wanders on those ideas...
So far the answer to the last question revolves on the idea of brainwash...
That's not even a good idea isn't it?

So I watched the movie Twilight last night...
I don't want to offend the other watchers but I hated the movie...
Even if the time line of the movie needs to be fast forwarded...
Some of the different chapters of the book version we're mixed...
For example, A character that was suppose to show up halfway in the book suddenly showed up in the beginning of the movie...
I would like to critique more of the movie but I'll stop for you guys might want to kill me...

In some of the parts of the movie...
I wanted to leave for some of the background songs remind me of her...
Yes, its her again...
She's like a tattoo...
She's there in my mind for life...
Always will be there to give that unforgettable moment...
Well, in tattoos maybe you could remove that part of skin but I guess that's stupid to the extreme...
And of course, you can't just erase a part of your mind...

Tomorrow, My mind works in overtime once more...
Having to endure tremendous pain in the form of numbers...
Having to suffer her image for five days...
My bravado is challenged once more...
After this week, My mind stops again...
Time for another R&R...of course it's five days ahead...

The time tonight is 12:03...
It's officially December 1...
A few more weeks and its Christmas...
I guess I have to save up for gifts...
and for the class outing that I don't know if it will still go on...

My 2nd semester is full of Love and Hurt...
I fell in love for countless time...
Yet my heart breaks in the end...
Then someone I didn't expect comes to me and fixes my heart...
It's a repetitive process...
It's a cycle to be much shorter...
Once another fixes my heart... It gets broken by the person who fixed it...
I want to stop this cycle...
My heart is not like a car engine wherein you could fix it for countless times...
I have a limit...
Even car engines have a limit too...
There's a point that you can't fix it no matter how much work you put into it...
Its the point where everything stops...
Forget about falling in love again for you just lost all chances...
Reminisce all those moments for you won't ever get hurt again...
No more happiness... No love inside... Your broken and empty inside... A cruel end...

Now... I sleep...

The butterfly has fallen...

Finally, I played DoTA once more after 3 weeks of emptiness...
I have satisfied some of my hunger for death and violence...
My crave for killing everyone is satisfied... I just went 16-8 with Zeus...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Back to topic:

So I was going home from school earlier and the traffic was Annoying because there is a Novena in Quiapo church every friday...
When I finally got down the jeepney in front of the Post Office...
The line for the FXs was very long because today was friday...
So I did the usual thing when the line was long...
Ride an FX beside the post office where there are no lines at all...

While waiting, I saw some of my former schoolmates...
We just exchanged handshakes and went along...
Then I saw this couple who was in a fight in my opinion...
The guy kept grabbing the girl's arm though she just wouldn't look at him...
Guess they must be in a serious fight...
So when I saw the FX, I quickly rode and looked at the fighting couple...
They kept arguing about something though I can't hear a word of it because I'm inside a vehicle...
Finally, the girl let go of the guy's grip on her arm and quickly rode the FX...
I looked at the guy's face...
His face was red like he was in rage...
He just stared at the girl...
When the FX moved, I saw the guy wipe his face... He was crying...
I guess that was the end of their relationship...
The girl on the other hand was silent... I couldn't even see a single teardrop...

Between the trip home, nothing happened...
All I could hear was the roaring sound of the engine...
When I got home, I took a bath and when I turned on the lights...
I saw a dead butterfly on the floor...
Seven days ago, there was a cocoon just beside the bathroom window...
Back then, I thought one day this will become a beautiful butterfly and fly into the sky yonder...
But now, I only saw death...
Wasted dreams...
The butterfly has already fallen before it could even stand a chance...
Poor creature... Such a sad ending...

My day today was full of sad endings...
Actually, not this day but this week was full of sad endings...
I lost a chance at someone...
I failed some challenges...
I met the sad face of reality once more...

But...
Every sad ending has another new story to continue...
And that story will change everyone's life once more...
New characters in life to either build you more or destroy you more than ever...
New challenges that will teach you or kill you...
Some of the old characters go into the new...
Where the good can become your worst enemy...
And where your previous enemy can become your closest ally...
A roller coaster of events I have to say...
Unfortunate or not, It's another reason to continue with every breath...

It's just like a book...
Once you've gone addicted to it...
You can't stop yourself from reading the next chapter or next page once you've stopped reading...
In comparison to life, Once something good happens...
You want to know what happens next...
If this will hit you sky rocketing to the sky or pull you like a piano from the heavens...

My life is a roller coaster that has never ending loops...

Nothing...

There's nothing in this void...
Only silence, only darkness...
There's nothing to be happy about...
Nothing... No reason to continue...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

I miss her... I miss both of them...
The first one was a pain in the back...
But now, I seem to see the real pain in her heart...
She can hide it with the people around her...
But when she's alone, I can see that expression...
That expression of missing someone...
I'm sure that I'm not the one missing...
But whoever it is... I feel as if its my fault...
My heart wants to apologize... so far my mind is in control so I can keep myself from making a fool of myself...
I don't know... maybe I should but I guess she'll just ignore me...
I should plan this out carefully... taking every disturbance in account...

Now the second one... I don't know... I had lunch with her earlier...
My heart wasn't in the mood to open up for her for now...
I guess it was because I said what I felt about her that I can't look at her with the same stare as before...
I miss her too no doubt...
But I'm not in the mood to talk about her for now... I'm still in a bit of depression...

I miss both of them...
I miss talking to them...
talking as if we were the only humans alive...
as if time stopped for that moment...
that moment where I'm starting to know them more and more...
Those moments headed to a complete stop...
The train had an accident and in need of serious maintenance...
Forgetting them was impossible...
Trying to get the trust of the first one is close to impossible...
Maybe there's something that we could work out...
Then again... what's the pointing in trying to gain what you lost...
You know it's hard to regain it... Still you try your best to do something...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friends are really forever... If not, then they'll haunt you forever with the memories...
My life is oh so full of complications...
I need a rest....

Surroundings...

Well everyday is the same routine...
I wake up, eat, take a bath, wear clothes, go to school...
And that's it...
Even if going back, everything's the same except maybe the weather...
Did nothing really change or am I just not paying attention?

I said these lines to myself over and over again...
almost like a song that you keep singing every single day...
So I did something different for a change...
I started to pay attention to what's around me...

Firstly,
In waking up, nothings really different except maybe for the breakfast around me...
While eating, its the same scenario...
The TV is on while on abs-cbn though nobody pays attention to it...
While eating I finally found out something...
There's no flavor in my food! I only feel if its hot or cold but taste? I taste nothing...
I've been waking up to the same routine for years yet I only found out about this just now...
Maybe next time I'll change the order of what I do when I wake up so I can finally taste what I eat...

Now that I'm wearing my uniform, time to leave...
Now riding a tricycle every day was a pain because the number of vehicles passing by our street was very limited during the morning...
Once I find a ride, I take the opportunity...
In going out of my house up to the main road takes 2 tricycles...
the first one is a pain but the second one will be easier since I'll be riding from the station meaning there will be a lot of tricycles there...
What was surprising this day was that I saw a little child about 6-7 years old with a big bag on his back...
The child was barely old to cross the streets yet I saw him walking to the station with that big backpack...
Fortunately, the driver was kind enough to treat him with more care since he was just a child...
Now I said to myself, these children are so young yet their parents already leave them to roam around freely in the streets... I felt pity for the child...

Now that I'm at the main road...
Finding an FX was a breeze since there was also a station very nearby...
In riding an FX, Some of the faces we're familiar since I see them everyday...
But of course there are still new faces to be seen...
One of the things that made me wonder was this student that rode the FX also...
Back at the first semester, before I went to school, I always hanged at the 7-11 nearby...
Inside, I would always see this guy who was also a student of UST standing while paying all his attention to his phone...
He would always wait for this girl who was also a student of UST... talk about small world eh?
I would always be beside them at the FX... although they don't really talk much, they just stare at each other like there having a conversation telepathically...
Now, this was different... The guy was nowhere in sight...
The girl on the other hand was just there staring at all directions...
Because I was facing her, I managed to get a good look at her from time to time...
She had a sad expression on her face but she tried to cover it with a tiny smile...
Maybe she could fool the others but I know that she's depressed...

Ok... now at the city hall, which means I'm only one more jeepney ride away to school...
This place is the usual place to see some of my highschool friends...
I saw some of their faces so we just greeted ourselves with a wave...
Now looking at the fellow students/commuters...
I saw a roller coaster of emotions...
Some where smiling to the point you'll get irriated...
Some where depressed as if they just lost someone...
I saw the seven dwarves with those people...

Finally, School...
Nothing new... except for the faces that will be impossible to remember...
There was always this feeling I felt only at school... Confidence...
Now classes are boring no doubt...
Same teachers... Different topics yet the same lesson...
Nothing new happens except for quizzes and assignments...
The clock hits 12 in the afternoon... I'ts dismissal...

In going home, my mind seems to wander off...
I start to ignore everyone around me...
My body goes on auto-pilot...
I don't realize anymore whats happening except for the fact that I'm going home...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

"We laughed until we had to cry. We loved right down to our last goodbye..."

Dismissal...

It's over...
No reason to stay and wait...
No more reason for anything...
I cant reach her before... now, she's starting to stray from me...

I'm an idiot...
I'm the world's number one moron...
I deserve a trophy...
A trophy of rejection...

When she was in a spider's web...
My mindless heart took over me...
I said the words... the words that was never supposed to be spoken...
But it was inevitable, I had to say it one time or another...

I was rushing things too much...
I never thought what she was in...
I just said it without any regret...
Now what do I get? Rejection of course...

First was confusion, now depression...
If I could just backtrack....
So I could stop myself...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's pretty much what happened...

November 23, 2008... 3:29 in the afternoon...
I said the words that was hiding in my mind...
The words that was supposed to be kept in locks until the time was right...
I rushed too much...

3:31...
She asked me what do I meant by I like her a lot...
I said I like her as more of a friend...
I apologized for saying it at the wrong moment...

3:32 until 3:45...
We talked for a short while on when did I first start to like her...
I felt like a moron in between those minutes...
I was feeling that she was going to turn back...
so I prepared for the worse...

3:45...
She asked me on why can she attract some people that are not close to her...
I answered that she can dazzle people...
Then the painful line came...
She said she can't dazzle all people and she thanked me...
finally... she apologized if she can't give herself...
we both know what situation was she in... problems with some of her friends because of some person who tried to challenge all of her friends... I'm not going to say the reasons anymore...

3:51...
She had to go...
She said thanks for all of what I did...
She left... my world fell apart once again...
But not as worse as before...
----------------------------------------------------------------

I thought so...
This really did end with a plane crash...
Good thing I didn't expect anything from her in return or else... I could have been dead by now...
Yes, I'm hurt once again inside...
Love isn't really on my side...
I must be a black sheep on this...
I'm a magnet for disappointment...
I attract sadness and retract happiness...
My world is full of downs...

I guess this will take some time before I get over this...
Pain strikes my heart once again...

Confusion at its best.

I don't know what to do anymore...
Whatever perspective I may think of...
It all ends at the same ending... Disappointment...
Everything's crushing me to a pulp again...

Rather than being the friend you couldn't resist...
I feel as if I'm a stalker...
What would you think if someone would wait for you at school everyday?
I think I made a big mistake...

Though she's not complaining about it...
I know deep inside that she's starting to get irritated...
I don't want to get her the wrong idea...
Maybe I shouldn't have acted so differently...
She saw in me someone different...
Someone who would sacrifice everything for her...
Someone who is not the real Ram...

I changed, no questions asked...
I feel as if I don't even know myself either...
The person who was always a happy go lucky guy turned into a whole new person...

I'll fix this all...
I'm backtracking to the old self...
Someone who was always a friend...
Someone who was not a stalker...
Someone who showed his real colors rather than showing off something that in truth that he isn't...
Someone who would love a person without any changes in his own self...
The real Ram... The person who she met last semester...
The person that always brought "bread stix" for everyone...

I never should have changed if I would know it would come to this...
I'm bringing my old self but with a little taste of the new...
I want to change but not something that will turn me into someone else...

*Meditating...*

Epiphany....

Time for a change...
Don't expect that the world will change for you...
We think they don't understand us yet the truth is that they really do but we just ignore them and continue walking a path of loneliness...
Enough Sulking... Enough worthless quotes on my notebook... Enough pain... My heart started to beat once more and this time, it wont stop until the end of my fading days...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just had a reality check courtesy of Y.F.C. or Youth For Christ...
I know I don't bother attending these somewhat worthless events...
But I just happened to know that my friend was there so I tried to attend those worship events even though I'm not a member...
When I went inside this room that had a sign outside saying "Chapel"...
The environment was like all Y.F.C.s, non-stop singing and... more non-stop singing...

I saw my friend sitting in the middle row of the room... Luckily there was a seat close to her so I grabbed the opportunity of having a seat...
My other friend which was my classmate back at 1st semester was also there...
I said my greetings to them... Unfortunately she was 2 sits apart me so I couldn't really talk to her at the moment...
Then, more of my previous classmates entered the room... the event started...

At first there was a speaker who was saying how blessed he is for being given money by his brother and father because he was really short on cash and then being payed for by his friend in one of his jeepney rides...
He said how much blessed he is for being helped at the right time of his life...
After speaking, everyone sang like there was no tomorrow...
I never really tried to sing even when with a crowd but this time... I sang because my seat was very close to the middle of the room...

At first, I looked at the people around me... First idea I had was that everyone was like in those "Iglesia ni Kristo" tv programs... Raising their hands while singing out loud...
The speaker was also singing out loud while his eyes closed and his face was pointed at the ceiling...

The singing and the speech didn't really affect me in any way but what got my attention was the song...
I like the lyrics... more than like I could say...
The lyrics of those different songs in that 1/2 lengthwise paper really motivated me...

The song was telling me to change...
No need to sulk...
Why bother crying? It's like crying over spilled milk...
I spent to much time dwelling over the worthless past...
I have to look on the present and on what's ahead of my malleable future...
There's no such thing as being lonely... He's always there for all of us...
No matter how much stupidity we commit, no matter how much we ignore him... He's always ready to give a hand...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So the program ended...
I walked my friend home...
I don't know why but I always feel happy when I'm with her...
I feel time goes to a stand still when I'm spending time with her...
I told her that it was late... she asked why did I stayed...
I told her that I liked staying with her... She asked if it was because she was talkative...
I simply said that there are a lot of reasons why... so much that it is unexplainable...
Was it even romantic to say that? I don't know... *laughing*

After walking her at the overpass, I went home...
Nothing new happened while in traffic except for the usual traffic jams...
I arrived home at 7:45 and with a smile on my face... something that I didn't come home with before...

Goodnight...

Normality...

Well as always...
Everything's back to its rightful place...
No more need for reflections...
The past is past...
A flashback is no more than just memories...

Just spent another day with her...
All the weights of my stress can be easily lifted when I'm with her...
The grips of insanity is no more...
Once again, she saved my life once more...

Why is it that my schoolwork this semester is so light?
I mean having 4 math courses should be enough to make me beg for mercy...
Yet, it feels like I have more time than before...
Last semester, school was tragic... Daily quizzes, assignments, recitations... And of course, the cursed Engineering Drawing which was the usual reason of staying up very late...

Is it because I'm already accustomed to heavy work that I think it's light...
Or is it because the faculty gave pity to us and gave us a load off...

I'm no longer haunted by the grips of my insanity...
I can finally breathe... I'm free...
Flashbacks? Just feels like watching re-runs...
Happiness... an emotion I rarely feel is now at my side...

It's ironic really... I seem to find peace and tranquility at the last place I expected to be...
I was wrong... The people I ignored in the past, their the ones who I give importance now...
A thousand thanks to them and a million laughs to those worthless flashbacks...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now I'm thinking if I should attend our outing at December...
On that day, everyone seems to be out of the house....
My brother-in-law and my nephew are going abroad for Christmas vacation...
And if I leave the house, mom will be all alone here...
first time I even gave crap about these thoughts...
Usually I just did what I want but now... well everything is different now I suppose...
Heck, maybe she'll understand ^_^
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's some random quotes playing in my mind right now.....

" Sometimes when you look back on a situation, you realize it wasn't all you thought it was. A beautiful girl walked into your life. You fell in love. Or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe just a brief moment of vanity."

"In the world, your nobody. But to someone, your the world."

" Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."

"I want to eat pizza while watching a cat eat a cookie."

"Something is better than nothing."

Goodnight....

Hallucinations..

It's back...
My tormenting flashbacks are back...
And it came back with some back up...

This weekend was like every weekends..
Boring and very short...
Though it didn't bother me before because I was usually busy with school work...
But this time it was different...

This afternoon was very quiet and very boring in a whole new definition...
I wasn't even in the mood of reading the twilight series...
So I just spent the afternoon looking at the ceiling and then falling asleep as always...

In this dream...
The person I wanted to avoid the most came back into my mind...
She was with me holding my hand...
We were sitting in a bench...
She was talking about something that I can't understand... it was like she was speaking scribbles...
Then finally she said she loves me...
Then everything came crashing down to my mind...
This was just an Illusion...
Just a mere fabrication of my heart and my mind...
Then she screamed tormenting sounds...
It was like she was a banshee when she screamed...
The screams kicked me back to consciousness...

I sat at my bed...
I thought I can avoid the memories...
Even if what I had was just an Illusion... it was all too real...
But I just can't...
Even if I tried to bury my flashbacks with grueling work, they always came back...
Getting stronger each time they play in my dreams...

Will this tormenting flashbacks ever end...
I'm scared that one day I'll snap and turn berserk... a heartless being bent on nothing but death...
I need my melody once again...
She's the one who can calm me from my flashbacks of my dreaded wraith...
Maybe because the melody was silent this weekend that my flashbacks found an opportunity to strike me.... At my weakest moment...

Glad that tomorrows a school week...
I can finally keep busy...
I can finally see her again...
To listen at her soothing voice...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's whats going on inside my mind right now...

"Sometimes I wished I just wasn't born...
I feel that I have no use... no worth at all....
I'm just a burden to everyone....
Will it be better if I just disappeared....
To just be erased from reality... for my name to be just a blank...
If I wasn't born, will there be a change?
Will there be a chance that if not for me, that person could have been dead now?
Did I make a difference? Did I just occupy a space?
Am I a waste of everything?
Do I really have a worth?"

Silence accompanies me tonight....

Second Life....

Listening to "Your Call" by Secondhand Serenade....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another chance...
One more chance for retribution...
To fix everything you have done wrong...
To have another bite of life with a different perspective...
To tell what you really feel before this second life ends...

To know that while your in slumber, there was a person around you with cruel intentions...
To just wake up that your still breathing and the only thing missing is something that is inanimate...
Yet you cry because of that object...
What do you treasure most? your life or something inanimate that one day will surely breakdown anyway...
Sulking is not the answer... Just be thankful your not a corpse....
If something happened to you, I won't be able to forgive myself for not being there to even protect you...
Most of the time, I'll be here for you... To cheer you up in the darkest nights, To be your shield in times of danger even if I have to sacrifice my life just for you to be safe, To be your punching bag just for you to dispense your anger...

Second life... Your lucky you still woke up...
Your lucky that you didn't receive even a single scrape...
Now you have another chance for life...
Will you change for the better or will you continue living like before, depressed and alone spending all those nights writing what loneliness feels like...

I want you to smile...
If something's wrong, just tell me what is it...
I'll be here for you always...
I promise to be beside you...

Enjoy the new life...
Give it another try...
Your one of the lucky ones...
Some didn't even have another chance...
You lived so lonely before...
Try living it with a different taste...

"I'm always here to stay..."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now a little etc....

"Her name is like a rhyme....
A song that could make a crying baby smile....
A name you won't forget...
You can sing her name in different tones...
Yet it all sounds the same....
She's a melody... A melody that is stuck in my head... But I never want to forget the melody...
It's something precious to me..."

Panic....

Note: In this post I will be saying the word "bitch" many times so sorry for the offended readers....

So tired... I barely have energy to keep awake
yet I put myself to the limits by posting this...
I'm so tired... I got home at about 6:30 today...
my P.E. was such a drag...
First activity and it's already exhausting...

Though it was enjoying... I loved it...
I met new people... Though that certain wraith was there, I was still happy...
Though that bitch is really starting to piss me of... Yes I'm calling her a bitch now...
Because I'm so pissed at her... I hate that bitch...

On with the story
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So earlier this day we had 5 subjects which was Rizal Course,
Analytic Geom., Theology, English and World Literature

So far the first two was ok but when the 3rd subject ended...
Something happened...

My savior was in distress...
She had lost an important thing...
When she texted me that, I quickly got out and called her...

First sound I heard was her crying...
I asked her what's the problem...
She said her laptop was stolen... I asked how...
She didn't knew... I just tried to calm her down though she just keeps crying....
Within those 15 minutes I just tried to calm her down...
Though I really wanted to say that She was lucky she just lost something inanimate rather than her losing her life...
I never got the courage to say that...
She said that I still had classes...
Even if I said that to be careful while she waited there then I hanged up...
I never wanted to end the call...
I just wanted to be on the line no matter how long it may take just for her to stop crying...
I'll risk my useless schedule just for her...
I won't leave my savior...

Finally my 5 subjects were over... it was 12 in the afternoon...
and my final class was P.E. which was 3pm
So I did nothing but eat lunch and explore
the campus... though I already know every way and every short cut...
I was hoping I will see something new just to pass the time...
So far she was alright... I'm happy she's safe...

Then a former classmate of mine called me... I asked where he was going...
He said that he was trying to get a scholarship program...
I accompanied him because I was so bored...
after fixing some papers at the engineering building,
we went to the tan yan kee building to pass some paperwork
after all those walking he left then I saw some of my classmates...
I tried to walk closer to them... But that bitch was there...
I was so pissed... I thought it was over but why is the bitch here?!
I just waved at my classmated and left the building because I was so angry...

few minutes later... I changed to my P.E. attire which was only a polo shirt
and then I attended my pe class...
some of my friends were there... the bitch was also there also... Damn....
So far I met some of my new pe mates... I feel this will be a good sem....

L.A. walk.... I loved that lecture... it was disco theme...
the moves were very close to that of disco moves...
though the 2 hours was tiring, I loved every minute of it...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm barely awake now.... My vision is starting to blur.......
Goodnight readers
and goodnight my savior.........stay safe..........zZzZzZzZ

Just one of those nights....

When I talk to other people, I change most of my vocabulary. Why?
It's because I hate trying to repeat myself when they don't understand what I say.
They say I'm somewhat weird because I talk like this.
It's hard finding someone who knows what your trying to say.
Usually only misunderstandings arise within conversations.
But once you found that person who understands... The fear of loneliness fades...

This is just one of those nights
wherein boredom takes over
this is when we think we have done everything on the list
though the truth is that there is still work to be done
work that seems to never stop
work that makes your day crap
work that never seems to stop giving you frowns

Writing this kind of posts is one of the effects of boredom...
I know that this post makes no sense... I know because I also think this post is crap

Every night we think of the things we need to do the next day before we sleep
even if we're not sure if we'll still be breathing the next morning...

I'll end this post with some questions...

"Is everything good always right?"

"Is something moral because God loves it? or God loves it because it is moral?"

"Will your brain explode because of this questions?"

"Will we still wake up tomorrow"

Goodnight....

Helping Hand Savior

That week... I was silent...
Everybody smiled around me...
Yet inside me was my bleeding heart...
I thought I wouldn't last another week in that room... Then...
Then one night... I just happened to talk to someone because of sadness...
I don't know what kind of force was controlling me but I was surprised I confessed my problems to her...
I thought I just made a fool of myself by doing that... I was wrong...
She understood me as if we had the same mind...
Usually people only had nosebleeds to some of the things I say...
Yet she understood every word I said... It was because she knew what it is to be hurt...
Not physically of course but emotionally...
She saved my life... I'm grateful to her...

Back to Reality...

Well I still haven't started reading New Moon because of school...
I want to read those letters... I want to know what happens next...
Though, I already what will happen because I read a summary of the 4 books...
Still I want to read the book... Reading is just one of my passion...
Its my kind of drugs...

School is such a drag...
Having to deal with 4 math courses...
Having to deal with teachers who you wished just perished...
Having to deal with a wraith...
Damn... I guess I still have one more person that keeps me from going insane...

She mesmerizes me with every step...
She dazzles me with her stares..
Her creative mind is unbelievable...
Her smiles, Unforgettable...
Her childish look, so cute...
Her words, my reason to be sane...

So far so good....

Well so far no excruciating flashbacks...
no painful memories...
keeping myself busy is the only thing I can do for now...
but I know that one day... I'll be with her....
The true angel of my life....

Well I'm doing nothing now except writing of course...
Finally finished Twilight book 1
and the disturbing fact is that I finished it
within 24 hours.... yes within one day....

Stephenie Meyer's book really gave my mind a crave...
It's not everyday you read a book about
a romance between a mortal and a vampire....
The story was awesome... though I already
want to read the second book... it's becoming an addiction...

lets see how many names I could list in the twilight series...
hmmm... there's Bella, Renee, Charlie, Phil, Edward, Rosalie, Emette, Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, Esme, Mike, Jessica, Tyler, Billy, Jacob, James, Victoria, Laurent, and some other names.....
Reading a 400+ paged book sure is tiring
especially if you read it all in one day...

So far her memories are not kicking in...
She's starting to become a mist...
Her face dissapearing...
Her voice weakening...
Her touch hand slowly turning further to the empty void...

Back to school work I suppose and back to living hell...
Wish I had more time so I could start reading New Moon
I guess I'll be looking forward reading it next weekend....

There's just one more scenario....
I saw another... My heart started to beat again...
This one is much, much more different than the dredded wraith...
She's just more kinder, her beauty.... Incomparative....
I just wish she's the angel I've been looking for oh so long...
I don't want to fall like before....

Finally I can cope with the pain...
Finally I could smile without that wraith torturing me...
All because of that angel... She's a lifesaver....

Goodnight to all....

Another page for the Book...

Nothing to do...
Got no one to talk to at the moment...
I miss them... I miss her...
Still... Life goes on and new pages never end....

My Book?
My Book of memories...
My oh so painful moments...
And ofcourse, The Joyful moments that I still cling to...

I remember the day when
we always went to different computer shops after class
hoping that 6 seats will be open...
after gaming... always eating Chicken strips in the street...

The times with her... I still cling to...
Her touch, Her smile, Her voice, and ofcourse her eyes that to me was panoramic...
Those silly text messages... Those moments outside the school eating lunch....
I remember that day when you were so scared of that cat...
Looking at your reactions... It made me laugh... then you laughed also...

I can't get over these memories...
No matter how much stress or how much work I receive
to keep me busy... Once I stop working... I quickly get those flashbacks...
Wish I could just forget them but its easier being said than done...
Its like being shot at both arms when I try to forget... Very Excruciating...

My Moments of Thought... They're the ones occupying my mind for the time being...
I miss them... Wish I could just Bactrack everything so I could fix all of these...
Sometimes I wished I was "Goblin Techies" so I could just explode to an empty void...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Arghhh.... Why can't I stop bitching about this...

The past can't be changed... You can't write at already written pages...
All you could do is read it over and over again...
The only answer is to add the pages...
You can't change the past but you can do something about tomorrow...

I guess I can put what I feel right now in these song:

Tonight
by FM Static

I remember the times we spent together
on those drives
We had a million questions
all about our lives
and when we got to New York
everything felt right
I wish you were here with me
tonight

I remember the days we spent together
were not enough
and it used to feel like dreamin'
except we always woke up
Never thought not having you
here now would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I remember the time you told me about when you were eight
And all those things you said that night that just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
and the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
and stayed out way too late
I remember the time you SAT AND told me about your Jesus
and how not to look back even if no one believes us
When it hurt so bad sometimes
not having you here...

I sing,
"Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight"

I sing,
"Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Songs can really make you emotional....

Your gone...

Your gone...
I'll miss everything about you...

Your Face...
That Smile that never seemed to fade away...
That Laughter was so loud...
That sweet, sweet voice that always enticed me
That touch of your hand that always made me smile

I'll miss it...

Though if we can't really work this out then
I have no choice...
If this is what you want,
then go ahead...
it's not like I'll sulk over this like some people I know...

I respect all your decisions
no matter how dim the idea may be...
I have no regrets
I have no problems with what you want

But I just want you to be clear...

No need to show me the irritating silent treatment...
Just tell it to me straight
Don't act like a coward
Just tell it straight at my face that it's over....

I was a fool to believe your lies
I was a moron to fall for you
I thought you were my world but then again,
You blinded me of the real things that I should treasure most

Seems like when it comes to love...
I always finish last...
I never win...
I always get hurt...
What a pain in the Ass...

This Feeling of anger combined with sadness...
Why is it I'm accustomed to it?
Maybe it's because I'm always hurt :(
Even though I tried everything to avoid this, It always hit me like a bullet

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now Back to reality...
What are the problems?

• School
• School
• School
• School

OMFG!! School is more of a pain than before
I mean I have to pass 4 math courses!! I repeat, 4!!!
It looks like this semester will be one hell of a ride! =p


~~Happiness surrounds me once again...

To the people who always Inspired me...

I just realized...
That some people are important
no matter how much you ignore or get angry at them
they'll always give you that painful moment when you were still together
no matter how much they'll ignore you, you'll still realize how much important they were to you...

First of all, I thank my first section in my college life. The one and only section of 1-4.
You guys were amazing, you gave me a whole other way of thinking things through.
Your daily quotes, simply amazing, really made me think how much stupid I was...
Thank you guys.... Your the number one reason why I made this Blog ^_^

On with the list...

To my former tropa... You guys were amazing, I'm sorry for reacting so foolishly without even thinking... These guys were composed of some of the best Dota players I've seen. There Ideas, Way of thinking, very lame jokes that made you laugh hard, and habits... I've held on to those and I will take it to my grave... Those Jokes and some of your Problems.... They gave me Inspiration to write... Because of them, I got a habit of listening to a lot of alternative rock bands...You guys are the best ^_^

To my former friend... I can't exactly tell her name but I guess she knows I'm talking about her... Our friendship really made me happy everyday... Though you didn't keep a lot of your promises, it's alright because I know that you don't even care about it... Those Saturdays afternoons... simply the best... talking to you seemed like time stopped... Seeing you smile always gave me joy though seeing you sad always made me depressed because I know that whatever I do, you won't listen to my advice instead, you'll just end the night crying... I don't know what I was to you but thank you for everything... One day I'll forget you and move on... Now that I've said those things, I could finally say... "Even though I thanked you for everything, I now regret that I have met a person such as you..." If its over then its over...

To Life... The reason why I post is because something very happy or very depressing happened to my life... Because of these series of fortunate and unfortunate events, It gave me lots of ideas of what to write... Even though I always seem to get every sad part of life, I thank that I had these experiences... Now I only hope if these unfortunate events would stop...

Finally to the readers... Knowing that you read my posts gave the inspiration to continue to write... Even though some think my posts are shit, it's alright because I know I can't avoid it ... I write what I feel... I write what I encountered regardless of being fortunate or not... I write every single moment that I want to remember until I reach my grave...

Inspirations.... You guys are the best ^_^

I'll remember you all until the end of my fading days...

First two days of second semster....

Two days...
Two days of boredom...
Two days of irritation...
Two days of being an outcast....

I hate it!
I thought it was going to be the four of us friends
Anne, AJ, Leo, and me
and then I was surprised a lot of students
were from section 1-14 (section of Anne and Leo during 1st sem ^_^)
I said "Holy Shit!! how the hell did these people get here?!"

Anne and Leo were surprised that most of their classmates (about 20 students or something)
were there though they didn't even tell them that they were changing to section 1-8
Though its not much of a problem on their side because they were so fucking many!
and they know each other a lot

Though on our case, I was so pissed
because only AJ and me were the only people from 1-4
and we were like outcasts
besides from Anne and Leo, we didn't know anyone...

The room were filled with people from 1-7 and 1-14
and it seems the division between those two sections
were clearly seen...
it was like there was a line between them
left is 1-14 and 1-7 to the right

To add to the dilemma,
I couldn't even make a move at her
there was too much people
and I was so irritated at the chanting of the name that sounds like shooter
I was so pissed to the extreme

I felt like walking out of the class and not to return again
I wanted to change sections to 1-23 or even 1-3
though because of her, I didn't do anything
Instead, I just sat at my place looking at all the new faces
and listening to that irritating chant

Tomorrow is day 3 and I'm looking forward that something worse will happen again

"I thought there was something, I was wrong,
terribly wrong.
Now, I regret all the moments that happened between us since the day I met you..."

Damn I'm so angry today...
>_<

Sleepy.... so sleepy...

Guess sleeping for 8 hours is still not enough when you stayed up late from 8pm to 1pm the next day ^_^

Just got home from the cemetery earlier this day
And doing nothing besides staying awake
is very depressing when you have no one to talk to....

So we left for the cemetery about 8pm yesterday and arrived there at about 9
Entering the cemetery was already hell because of the traffic
but finding a parking space inside was more of a pain
not to mention carrying the stuff to our spot ^_^

So we finally arrived at my father's grave and I was surprised
to find my childhood friend (well we we're only friends when we were still young but now guess were merely acquaintances) sitting at a rock nearby
First I can't seem to see her face since it was dark
then when she went closer
the only words I could think was "OMFG!!"
she changed and by the looks of it, she changed a lot and I mean a LOT!

her looks... exceptionally cute
though we didn't really talk
it seems to her I'm not there
and to me, she's also not there
talk about a sad re-acquaintance

On with the story
so for the past hours we did nothing but look into the far distance while eating and talk about nothing special
While doing nothing I was looking at my phone if she texted me
so far, my inbox was empty

When the time was about 1am everything seemed to be quiet
the only thing I could here was weak whispers
Finally my friend left to go home
the area seemed to be more silent

I regret not talking to her
though inside was a strong feeling
that she was not the girl I met before...

The time was 2am in the morning and everybody
seemed to fall asleep except for me because if I sleep then who would guard the things

now the battle with the sandman began
about 3am my eyelids were getting heavy
then unknowingly, I already fell asleep
about 3:30am I suddenly woke up because
I felt someone was calling me... I had a feeling dad wanted to keep me up

to keep awake, I plugged in my earphones
and listened to some tunes
though the only songs that could keep me awake was
Godspeed by Anberlin, and some tunes from Senses Fail

finally it was 6 and everybody seemed to be waking up
the noise started to get louder

everything was boring until 12 in the afternoon....

Finally, we packed up and went home
when we got home, the only things I remembered
was walking to my bed and then darkness
zZzZzZz.....

a good night to all...